Monthly Archive: May 2002

Women Drivers – An Oxymoron?

I know, I know, you’re all getting sick of hearing about how bad women drivers are. But they keep staying bad. And I had to laugh this morning on my way to work when I saw an overturned SUV in the middle of an intersection.

Now I would never laugh at someone’s misfortune or injury. But I gladly laugh at their stupidity. Because I am of the opinion that 100% of accidents can be avoided with defensive driving. You might not be able to prevent someone REAR-ENDING YOU, but the person behind you COULD HAVE PAID ATTENTION (what a novel idea) and prevented it themselves. So when some pompous SUV driving idiot tries to make a light when it’s yellow – and they’re still a hundred yards out – they end up running through an intersection, phone glued to head, on a red light. They deserve to be plowed into. Teach their ass a lesson.

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Everyone is out to get me!

No joke, every six months, someone wants to mess my shit up. Someone comes out of nowhere, not PAYING ATTENTION, and SLAM. Three days after I got my Durango, someone decided it was time to sandwich me in it. So I was without it for two weeks while it got repaired. Then some stupid little uninsured bitch decided it was time to slam into my wife’s car. And now, the Durango again.

Yesterday, sitting at a red light, the woman in front of me was the first in line. The light greened and she stalled out. I obviously didn’t move because I WAS PAYING ATTENTION so I just waited patiently. Well the guy behind me decided it was time to go, since he saw the other lane moving. He obviously wasn’t PAYING ATTENTION to what was going on in his lane. You know, the shit that mattered. So he slammed into my bumper. Now I have to take the damn truck in for another week or two to get it repaired. All new rear end. The place I always take my vehicles is overbooked right now, so it will be a while. You know, I’m on a first name basis with them guys since so many people like to drive without PAYING ATTENTION. People need to get they heads out of they asses and start taking driving a little more seriously. It ain’t a damn game where you wreck and game over you lose your quarter. Put your damn phone away and watch what the hell you’re doing.

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My War on Wasps

I hate wasps and hornets. They piss me off. I respect them, because – unlike ants – you have to piss them off before they sting you. But I still hate them sons of bitches. They all live up under the eave of my house thinking they own the place, and they dive bomb me when I’m trying to relax in my pool with a beer.

What I want to know, is how the hell do they know how to sting? It’s obviously inborn behavior, but it’s still a mystery to me. At what point in their lives do they become aware of the fact that that stinger on they tail is a weapon? No one teaches them that shit. They just know. And some wasps die after they sting you. So what’s the point of stinging if you know your ass is gonna die? screw that.

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SpaceBrew Review: Mullholland Drive

Let me just say how much of a waste of time this was: it was a severe waste of time. I mean, I’ve sat through bad movies before, but this… This shit was worse than Highlander. This was the epitome of a shitty movie. It was written and directed by the same guy who did Twin Peaks, and all his stuff is the same. He tries for this abstract artsy type feel, and – well, he achieves that – but at the expense of entertainment. This movie is so abstract and ‘artsy’ that it fails to have a plot.

I’ve heard all the different takes on what actually happened in the movie, and I have my own as well. I understood it just fine. That’s not the problem, as it’s obviously not some low-brow B Movie. The problem was that even though I understood it, I found myself asking why? To what end? Who gives a shit what it means if it’s not interesting? So the whole first half of the movie was this girl’s fantasy, and the whole second half was reality. And… Well, that’s it. So now that we know that, what’s there to understand? It’s just gay.

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SpaceBrew Review: Whoa, Nelly!

My selected artist of the year award (which I give away every few years) this year goes to Nelly Furtado. It’s been many moons since I’ve listened to an album as musical as Whoa, Nelly! I didn’t have much hope for it, since she’s nineteen years old and all her inspirations were R&B singers. Blech. But I was hyperterrifically impressed not only with her diversity, but also her ability to write. She writes some of the most appealing, ear-catching music I’ve ever heard, and I’ve found I like every song on the album. She’s got songs ranging from sexy piano bar music to upbeat techno funk stuff, to rock ballads. This shit rocks, people. (I won’t mention that I think she’s hot.)

Chicken had this to say about Nelly Furtado: “Her voice will be the death of me.” Well, I suppose her voice is a little edgy, but I’ve found that’s exactly what I like about it. It’s definitely unique. And only when she wants it to sound like that does it even get that way. When she’s singing some of her slower songs, her voice is soft and sexy. I’ve found it to be like the Dallas Cowboys, whereas you either love it or you hate it. But if you’re a music-minded person, you’ll dig the album in spite of her edgy vocal quality – or perhaps because of it. She’s got class.

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Prejudice Dogs

My dog loves people. Just about anyone who comes to my house is immediately accepted and loved, and treated like family. This is not the case if he feels threatened, or if my wife is home alone. In those cases, he’s in attack mode anytime anyone comes to the door. But under normal conditions, my dog is super friendly and is ready to play rope tug with anyone who comes by.

Everyone but Mexicans.

I don’t know what his deal is, but on Thursdays when those guys come to mow my lawn, Hunter goes apeshit. My main man Aaron owns his own landscaping company, and sends his boys out once a week to mow my lawn for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I love these guys. Sometimes when they finish up, I invite them in and give them beers. But my dog don’t like it one bit. I guess he thinks these guys are there to kill us all.

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