Monthly Archive: July 2008

Sub-Par Food Service

One of their chicken sandwiches.A buddy and I went to eat at a sub shop over here, because he couldn’t shut up about it. “Oh my God dude you have to try these subs. They’re the best freaking subs ever created.” I was like hell yeah, if they’re the best ever, I sure would hate to miss out on that shit. Give me one of them bitches now! So we went to Jimmy John’s. It’s not a major chain, but who really cares about that? As long as their subs are good, they can be in the running, right? And every time I drive by there, it’s always packed like a can of tuna.

Well here’s my review on the place: I give it one star. Out of five. Why? Well, the bread was good. It was soft and fresh, and very luscious. But the rest of it was like I was eating at home. Nothing special at all. And get this bull ass shit. They don’t have swiss cheese. They have one kind of cheese. One. No pepper jack. No monterey. No cheddar. No provolone. Just American. Or whatever the damn it was they had. One kind. And they only had like two kinds of meat. Okay, I’m done talking about this place. Let’s talk about a good sub shop.

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And then we camped…

So let me tell you about our camping trip last weekend. It was hotter than a fresh pile of jalapeno-stuffed dog shit. We had fans in our tent, too. I also had a window unit air conditioner. I had it sitting on a TV tray, which was nice. Except that somewhere in the middle of the night, the cat ran into the TV tray, and the whole thing toppled over, crushing her. Rest in peace, Peachez. Damn, I’ll miss that cat.

There’s – well, there’s really not much to talk about. I mean, we camped out. That was about it. We didn’t really sit around drinking beer or anything. I mean, it was just a camping trip. Anyway, I told you I would tell you about it, so there you have it. Now you want to hear something real exciting? Read on, dear friends. Read on.

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I Want to Believe

Man this is great. Peligro Pete just got back from Roswell and he brought me a souvenir! I’m liking all this free time he has now since he got canned from the force. Anyway, they spent some time in Roswell watching alien autopsy videos and dodging abductions left and right. Well I haven’t talked to him yet, but I’m almost positive that’s probably exactly what he did. But he took a little time to stop in to some alien store and get me a souvenir. What a guy!

OFFICIAL ALIEN BEERWhen I got home last night I knew to look in my fridge for the souvenir he had promised me. When he goes places he usually brings me beer. What a guy! So I opened my fridge and this is what was sitting in there. (Click on the image for a full-size copy.) And two things happened simultaneously.

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Roadside Memorials and You

Let’s talk briefly about the roadside memorial. Well, I’ll write a few words about it, and you can read them. Then, if you’re not too lazy, you can reply in comment form and let me know what you think. If not, then feel free to throw your hands in the muthafukkin air. Then I’d like to ask you to at least consider waving them around like you just don’t care.

This is sad.Okay. So what is the point of the roadside memorial? And here’s what I mean by that: What is the point of the roadside memorial? You see, if I were to lose someone on the side of the road, or someone I knew were to die in a horrible tragic accident on a highway, I would be pretty saddened. But I don’t think I would feel compelled to decorate the place of their demise with flowers and headstones and whatnot. Seriously, why would you want to decorate and commemorate the place they died? I’m okay with putting those same flowers and trinkets on a grave site. That’s where their final remains lie eternally. Or until the lease is up on the site. :rolleyes:

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Thank God it’s Friday.

No, it hasn’t been a really long week or anything. I haven’t had a series of bad days. I just don’t really like having to get up every morning to go to work. I’m beginning to believe I was duped into this career field. When they told me cleaning and emptying portable toilet systems would be fun and exciting, I believed them. I’m beginning to think differently though. Maybe I need a career change.

We’re going camping this weekend. And by camping, I mean setting up tents and sitting outside getting sweaty and drunk. And by we’re I mean a whole big group of us. Should be fun. I’m bringing my electric grindcoil and Stout is bringing the baby mouse livers. As long as the girls bring their marble guns, we should be all set for a helluva time!

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White Van Specials

You ever get accosted in a gas station parking lot by one of these gangs in a white van, trying to sell you speakers for cheap? I have. Probably four or five times in my life. I’m always amazed at how this person’s story is so similar to the last person’s I heard. “Oh yeah the guy at the warehouse accidentally gave us a couple of extra speakers and if I don’t sell them, then the guy I’m delivering to will take them for himself and sell them. I just need some extra cash man!” Uh huh.

I’m also always amazed at how rude and persistent these people are. And how when I tell them to go screw themselves they start cussing me out. Well let me back up – I don’t tell them to literally go screw themselves. I say, “No thanks, I have a pretty good set of Klipsch 8.1 surround sound speakers in my theater at home. They cost way more than the speakers you’re selling, and are probably better, therefore.” Then they say, “Well you suck and don’t know a good deal when you see one!” And I say, “Uh, yes I do. Which is why I’m going to have to pass on this one.” Then they get mad and start cussing me out. Then I tell them to go screw themselves.

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Ending the Week Right

Weeks to me are like grass. I insult (or cut down) my grass once a week. But it keeps springing right back up. So too are my weeks. I keep ending them and nailing down the lid with drinking massive amounts of alcohol, but new ones just keep popping back up and sending me back to work. And this was a short week, since I took off Monday. And last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Well, in fact, that long vacation made this short week feel like an eternity. How am I supposed to be expected to want to be at work?

Anyway, I thought I’d write a quick note about the kick ass phone call I got as soon as I arrived in Florida last week. A publisher called me and said they were publishing a short story of mine, and said furthermore that they were very, very, very, very interested in my second novel. Yes, he did say the word ‘very’ four distinct times. Which excited me quite a bit. So you are looking at the next published author! Well, maybe not the next one. Someone might get published in the next couple of days. But definitely one of the next ones. Pretty cool, huh? I know, it took long enough.

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The Sunset Beach Diaries, 2008

Lonely UmbrellaRemember how I told you I was going to The Boot? Well actually it’s more like A Used Condom, but whatever. The point is, I went. I snorkled on the beach (actually in the water near the beach), I sat under umbrellas and watched the ocean, I drank cold beers and I looked at women. Did you know you can get Corona in a can? I thought that was pretty awesome. I got some pretty good shots while I was out there. Click on that picture and you can see the set. I put nine photos up in the set.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about my return flight. Because no one cares about what happened on my vacation. Nothing exciting. I got in several fights on the beach, beat up an entire team of muscle-bound volleyballers because they pissed me off, got bit by a shark and ended up dislocating his jaw for him, got so tan that I got discriminated against at Ricky’s All-White Bar and Lounge… Like I said, nothing interesting.

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Happy Independence Day!

Old GloryHappy Independence Day, friends. Many people will tell you “Happy 4th of July!” today. And you’ll probably say it a lot. You’ll be asked what you’re doing for the fourth of July. You’ll ask people what plans they have for the fourth of July. But hardly anyone will say the words ‘Independence Day’. And I think it is important that you do. Let’s remember why we celebrate the fourth of July. Let’s remember why it’s fun to watch fireworks. And please, most of all, let’s remember those who have fallen making this a holiday.

Please salute, hug, or thank a veteran today. Have a great, safe holiday, friends. God bless America.

Junk Mail and Me

I get junk mail. You get junk mail. We all get junk mail. But lately, I’ve noticed a pattern. It’s hard not to notice when you’re getting the amount I’m getting, actually. But I’ve taken a new tactic here. I’d like to tell you about it.

So WAMU has been sending me shit, I guess to sign up for their credit card, or open a bank account with them. They have two separate mailers they send out. I get both of them. Two or three a week. Let me repeat that so you’ll understand better. I get both of their mailers, two or three times a week. That’s four to six pieces of mail from them, per week. I am not exaggerating here, dudes. It’s insane! I also get an envelop from Overland Mortgage at least once every two weeks. Clearly not as frequent as the wamu shit, but still enough to notice.

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Heading for The Boot

Tomorrow I’m flying out for the sunny Sunshine State. I’ll be leaving at around nine in the morning, which, of course, means I need to arrive at the airport tonight around six o’clock. The Boot!Florida is the Sunshine State, right? It could be Montana – I can’t remember. I also can’t remember if anyone actually calls it ‘the boot’… I guess these details aren’t really important. Irregardless, I’m heading for sunny Tampa Bay tomorrow morning, and let me tell you how excited I am!

I am excited.

So I’m leaving tomorrow morning and getting back some time on the 7th. Trust me when I say that when I get back I’ll be darker than a Mexican hiding in a closet. Not like gay like someone would come out of a closet, but just rather to illustrate that it’s dark in there. You know what I mean. Anyway, yeah I plan to lie on the beaches sipping my ties and watching hula girls um… You know, I really don’t know what happens on the beach, but I will be there. Maybe not with my ties and stuff, but maybe a Corona? There’s another Mexican reference for you. But actually, you know what? I won’t really even be on the beach. Because I’ll be SCUBA diving. To you lay folk out there, that means I will be self-contained underwater breathing apparatus diving. I will be under water.

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