I went to my first wrestling match Saturday night! Well, that is to say I went to see a match for the first time. I didn’t participate in one. I’m not a wrestler. I mean – I wrestle with my four sisters and whatnot, but that’s not the point.

I live next door to this guy. We spend a lot of time sitting in his garage or by his pool, drinking and shooting the shoot. I’ve been wanting to go see him wrestle for a while, but our nights usually end up canceling out, as my band is usually playing somewhere. But I finally got to go check it out. I have to go through the entire night with you so you’ll get a feel of the atmosphere.

First of all, those rumors you hear about the crowds at a wrestling match? Yeah, they’re true. White trash America. Man there were some rednecks kicking that night. There were also some hot braless women though, and I’m always cool with that – redneck or not. My dad and Stout came with me, and I was at first a little nervous about leaving the Jeep out front with the top down. Ended up all right though. The place is in Denton – and I don’t even know what it’s called. But it’s got those big XCW signs out front. It’s also BYOB. So we took in a cooler full of domestic beers and limes. The three of us would go through almost all of it by the time the night was done.

Well the first two guys got out there and started wrestling, and I almost threw up in my mouth a little bit. It was so horribly obvious that it was fake – I almost couldn’t tolerate it. You could hear their cues, see their taps and signals – it was just bad. Now I know wrestling is fake, but suspend my disbelief. Please. Just a little. These guys sucked. Their punches would miss by like six inches, their reactions were delayed, and overall it was just a mess.

After they finished up though, a couple more guys got out there and went at it. One of the dudes was winning all over this other one, then some guy came out the back with a chair and ended it for him. I thought that was a little cheap. After a few more matches, they finally announced the title bout. Whoever it was was defending his title and Kit Carson, my neighbor, was challenging him. It was pretty wild to see him come out and do his act. This usually reserved guy I hang out with in the evenings. It was also pretty entertaining to see a 46-year-old man doing flips and falls and body slams. He was whooping up on the guy, then somehow ended up on his back for a brief second, and got quick-counted right out of there! It was total bullshit!

After the match, we drank a couple more beers, then went to leave. We talked to Kit out back and told him we were disappointed in his loss, and thought the ref quick-counted him. He said he’d filed a complaint though.

Overall, yeah, there were a bunch of amateurs there and some of it was exactly what you expect from amateurs: a bunch of hillbillies with beer guts throwing each other around. But by the end of the night when the pros got up there, it was really entertaining. We had a blast, and will probably go again. And the hot braless girls make the bad parts pretty good.


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3 Responses

  1. Catina says:

    Tell me…. Did you find that the more intoxicated you became the better the actors were? Maybe the beer enhanced their performance? haha

  2. Flavio Q Crunk says:

    When Kip said, “I am going to lodge a complaint.” Why didn’t you say, “Dude, didn’t you read the script before you got up there?”

  3. trumby says:

    You wanna know why Kit is cool? He’s got a baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it in his garage, Matel made an action figure of his likeness, and he’s always got an extra beer at his outdoor bar, which is the best part.

    Kit’s man card is so huge it won’t even fit in his wallet.

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