Out on Humanity

Yeah, I’ve been out on humanity for a while. You know this. But this weekend, I started thinking about it. We’ve come so far with technology, that now you can be connected no matter where you are. Think about it. Ninety percent of us carry a cell phone. And most of those never turn them off. They just charge them when they need charging and never (ever) turn them off. (Ever.) I know that when I leave the house, if I don’t have my cell phone, I’m a little uncomfortable until I go back and get it. And I hate that I have to be that connected.

What I really can’t stand is that sect of people who carry blackberries, trios, palm phones, etc. You know the ones. Imagine being so connected that you can’t go anywhere without being able to get your email. Getting that uncomfortable feeling because you’re away from your mail and you might have to wait a few hours to check it. Imagine that. Now most of those people do it for work, but still – if I’m not on call, I’m not checking my work mail. Unless I’m in front of my work computer. I want to disconnect when I get off. I only really carry a cell phone so my wife can reach me in emergencies. (That’s a lame excuse, but hey.) I will never feel so important that I have to be wired constantly to my email. That’s ridiculous. So what’s next? Mobile US Mail? Carrying a GPS device that the postal service monitors so they can deliver your mail right to you? Mobile television? “I can’t be anywhere that I can’t get television constantly.” I swear, if I see people walking around watching Friends or Oprah, I’ll start shooting people. (Get it? The irony in what I’m saying there juxtaposed with my literal argument against it? Ha? Ha?)

There’s so many radio waves and microwaves and other man-made bullshit waves flowing through the air, it’s a wonder we don’t all get cancer. And on top of that, and here’s where it pisses me off, we’re at war with each other. Now I’m not talking about the war in Iraq. I’m not going to discuss whether or not I support that. I’m just talking about the fact that humans war with humans constantly. Over land, money, oil, women, whatever. How stupid is it that we have this tiny little blue planet – it’s the only place we have, and we can’t go anywhere else – and we’re destroying each other on it. We can’t even get along with ourselves.

So yeah, any of you aliens wanting to come check us out – feel free to observe from a distance, but don’t stop in and try to befriend us. We won’t like you. We don’t like black people because their skin is darker (even though they look the same). We don’t like Asians because they’re short and – although smart, have yellow skin. We don’t like Jews because they take all our money. Even though they look just like us white Americans. So we have problems with other races of people whose skin is slightly different, but we’re going to be okay with an alien race, whose skin is potentially green and lizard-like? And they won’t look anything like humans?

Imagine that. The only species of animal on the entire planet that actually has the wherewithal and ability to keep ourselves from going extinct (aside from some catastrophic event) and we’re going to go extinct because we’re selfish. So I have officially now removed myself from the race that is humans. Anyone who wants to join me, shoot me an email. We’ll come up with a new name for ourselves and stuff. Maybe even a cool insignia or something we can sew onto our jackets. Let me know!

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