The Secret to Success

Space & KineticIt was nice having Kimbre in town for a day – even though she had almost nothing positive to say about our fair city. I only got to see her for a few hours, though I’m betting she was at it for most of the duration of her stay – stopping only to sleep. I’m sure I’d notice a stink too, were I to leave for a time and return. But I’m also betting that I’d sneeze my ass off in ‘fresh mountain air’. Because where there are mountains, there are pines. And where there are pines, there are pine needles that make me sneeze like an angry Indian.

Speaking of Indians, I think I’ve finally found the way to make a shit load of money, expending as little energy as possible. It’s pretty simple, really. But let me first outline the other ideas I’ve had before. First of all, you want a business that doesn’t require disposable stock, like cups and hot dog canoes, because you have to order that shit. And our goal here is to do as little as possible, and make as much money as possible. Remember? Okay. So the first idea I had was a bowling alley. You buy all the balls and pins and equipment and people come use it. None of it really goes away, and you just pay for maintenance and upkeep. All you do is spray shoes while you sit on your ass.

But then I got to thinking, who wants to visit a bowling alley that doesn’t sell nachos and hot dogs? So that one’s out. That’s too much work. Cooking, preparing, reordering, restocking, firing the cook for putting unmentionables in the nacho cheese… So enters my second idea: a drive-in movie theater. Now there we go! You sit on your ass and show movies. People bring their own food and drinks and you just broadcast the sound to a radio station, like 89.7 or something, so people tune in and have as good a sound as their car stereos will allow them. The only maintenance item is the movie screen. This one sounds good! Oh, but wait. You can only show movies at night. And only from like dark – say around 8:00 until around midnight. You probably wouldn’t get enough traffic after midnight to make it worthwhile. Okay, so that one’s out. Back to the drawing board.

Drawing board. Board. Hey, wait, I like where this is going. Board, bored, boared, billboard! YES. So you buy a billboard along the side of the highway. I’m guessing you charge about twenty to thirty grand a month for advertising on it, if the sign is in a good location. Then when a company pulls their sign, you sell it to another. You don’t even have to change the sign out yourself, because you’ve made so much money – you just pay someone like a grand or two to come in and put up the new cover. While you sit on your ass.

Okay, so we’ve found the best possible job (sitting on your ass) that makes a bunch of money without expending any energy at all. Let’s all go out and buy billboards! Oh wait. They cost a lot of money too.


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