The Wasteful Years of Sleep

I was thinking earlier about how I needed to rotate my mattress. Because there are forming in it two large crevasses where my wife and I lie at night. They say you’re supposed to rotate them 90 degrees every once in a while. I guess so you end up making a pound-sign shape on the bed, rather than the symbol of equality. What’s that all about? A conspiracy?

Anyway, that led me to thinking about how much time we spend on the mattress, and why we should purchase a really good one when we do make that purchase. They say you spend a third of your life sleeping. Well, I retorted in my thoughts, I don’t need to spend a third of my salary on a freakin’ mattress! Ha! I showed them, eh? But then I slowed. And I considered. A third of my life. A third. Wow. So what it boils down to is I’ve spent eleven years sleeping, total. A ninety-year-old has spent thirty years of his life sawing logs.

A wave of disappointment and bitterness swept over me. Imagine what I could have done with eleven extra years! That’s almost an entire school career – first grade through junior year. I could get a doctorate from start to finish (if I didn’t already have my master’s…) and still have time to spare. At roughly sixty books a year, I could read almost seven-hundred books. I could write probably ten. With eleven extra years, I could travel the world and make new discoveries. The list goes on and on. There is a lot you could do if you had that third of your life in years back.

Here’s how you figure out how much time you’ve spent sleeping: take your age, and divide by three. I’ll wait while you finish. Okay. You done? Now take that number of years you got, and that’s how much time you’ve spent dreaming. Now imagine what you could have done with that many years being awake!

The next car on this train of thought was the old coffee talk scenario where someone offers you a pill that will allow you to get the same amount of rest and recovery from one hour of sleep a night that you now get from the necessary eight. Your body suffers no ill effects, and this pill allows you to claim back seven hours of your day. Which means (for you math nuts out there) that you’re now in charge and command of 21 hours of your day. Imagine what you could do while everyone else is sleeping! (I mean besides looking at porn and masturbating.)

The pill has a price though. It costs you half of everything you own. That’s a hefty price. But is it worth it? I’ve always, without an ounce of hesitation, said, “Absolutely yes. Without a doubt.” With all that extra time, you could even take an extra job if you wanted to, and buy back all that shit you had to give away. This subject fascinates me. I know a lot of people sit around dreaming about what they’d do and what they’d spend their money on if they won the lottery. The Captain has told me before of this house he’s building in his thoughts. Every last detail he has plotted and planned, all in his mind. Well when I’m sitting around daydreaming, this is the thought that always comes back to me: what would I do with seven extra hours a day? I love it.

Tell me some of the things you’d do with that extra time. I’d like to hear your ideas.

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7 Responses

  1. I’m kinda leaning toward the more porn and masturbating idea although beer and nachos is pretty entertaining. For sure they’d have to increase the length of football season. How’d that be? Sunday late, late night football.

  2. Jeremy says:

    That’s amazing when you think about it like that. I’ve spent ten years sleeping? Whoa what a waste of time!

  3. Aud says:

    I’d sleep… I already do all this (well, without pills) and the thing you don’t realize is how wonderful sleep actually is. My lil’ friend told me I’m going to look really old, too. I do think it takes a toll on your levels of sanity as well. My question is how maintain complete normalcy during delirium. Interesting.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I’m with Aud. If I don’t get sleep I’m a rotten bitch! I guess if I had that pill it would be different but then I would just make sleeping one of my favorite hobbies.

    Lydia

  5. Moonshine says:

    Meh…I like to sleep. :)

    Although giving up half I own wouldn’t really be a problem, as I don’t own much. But yeah, I think I’d rather just sleep. The world would be a scary place if I were more productive, right?

  6. Becky Riles says:

    I guess all of us women would just want to sleep. I love waking up in the morning and getting the news paper and knowing I get to go back to bed sometimes. Just that thought alone makes me so happy sometimes. Sleeeeeeeep!

  7. Space says:

    You women suck.

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