The History of Beer

I read a great article about the history of beer and thought I would share it with you. Go read it when you have a few minutes. It’s very interesting. Now we know who to blame for the taxation of beer. That bitch, Cleopatra, needed more money for her wars so she decided to tax it. Thanks.

Anyway, Flavio and I were outside talking about this, and I began wondering who the first person was to ever drink beer. How cool would that be? But if the Sumerians were the first to brew it, we’re talking thousands and thousands of years ago! So my theory developed pretty quickly, because I was concerned about why anyone would try such a thing. Surely he must have brewed it by accident. So here’s my thinking:

So ten thousand years ago, a guy leaves a pot full of barley and hops and rice and shit under his sink and forgets about it. A few months later, he’s messing around under his sink, you know, trying to fix the hot water, or the disposal or whatever. And he bumps into this wretched bowl of filth. He pulls it out and sets it on the counter, and his buddy sees it. “What the hell is that shit?” So he replies, “Uh, I threw some leftover shit into this bowl and forgot about it.” So they have a laugh about it, and the buddy decides to smell it. That’s where it started.

“Whoa, you should smell this shit dude. Wow.” So the guy who made it smells it. And his friend says, “We should drink that, dude.” What.

Seriously. Who ever got the idea to drink that nasty fermented shit in the first place? It’s miraculous enough that someone accidentally invented it. But he be a brave soul who first dared to imbibe it. Not that I’m unhappy he did it, you understand. So dude’s buddy takes a sip and says, “Hey, that ain’t half bad! Try some!” and dude of course has to try it. Before you know it, they’ve finished the bowl off and have a pretty good buzz going. “Wow, what the f?” And the first guy says, “Yeah, no shit, right? We need to make more of that!” The next task was obviously remembering how the hell he had managed to make it in the first place.

Then comes the experimenting, the added ingredients for taste, the trials and errors, the bottling, the decision to put it in kegs and take it to parties and of course, charge for it. Then they had to make a light version.

I for one, would love to taste that original beer. The very first beer ever made. I love all kinds of beer. Ales, dark beers, lagers, pilseners – I love them all! But I sure would love to taste that very first beer. Shitty as it probably really was. Just remember, when you hold up your glass and say cheers to someone, remember what you’re holding in your hand. You’re holding history.

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6 Responses

  1. More to the point who’s the magnificent son of a bitch that figured out how to chill it.

  2. Becky Riles says:

    I’m so glad they got smart and started making different types of beer too. If all we had was schlitz I would never drink it. Not ever.

  3. Jeremy says:

    So what year did Jack Daniels come around?

  4. steppy says:

    There is nothing better than an ice cold beer! I praise those guys that found the ingredients under the sink. :)

  5. Space says:

    Jeremy – like 1890s. You should allow me to tell you the story someday of how Evan Williams sued Jack for copying their label.

    That’s why I’m an Evan Williams man. Better, stronger, smoother, cheaper. {insert EW jingle here}

  6. Catina says:

    Firsts are always amazing and never reproducible. Thus bitter sweet!

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