My office is pretty basic. Your typical cube farm with a few offices around the edges. For my own personal office, they knocked down some walls and joined a few of the smaller ones together so I have about 5000 square feet of space. Pool table, arcades, wet bar – just the essentials, you know. I’m pretty important here though. Anyway, it’s not like a corporate environment. We’re all professionals, but none of us is corporate – if you know what I mean. Shorts, crocs, t-shirts, women leave their bras in the car, the usual. It’s a fun environment to work in.
Anyway, even though it’s relaxed and comfortable and pleasant, it’s not conducive to concentration in a lot of ways. And it’s also not very private. For instance, when you enter the bathroom, you get the feeling the people in the next room can hear everything that’s going on in here. And they can. I can hear everything that goes on in the women’s restroom. So yeah, when Penny Nichols, the Hottest Girl in the Office, walked by me on our way to the restrooms this morning, she waved and said, “Hi Dr. Space!” and I smiled and said, “Wuddup, Penny,” and I went in to the restroom thinking all was dandy. Until I heard her stall door close. I was like, “Oh no. No. Please no.” And then that bowl breaker she ripped just about broke my heart. The echo was loud and forceful. I mean, I guess I should have known that since she’s so hot she probably shits with some amount of authority. But wow. I could hear every sonic detail of her encounter with the porcelain. And boy let me tell you, she laid a slab cracker in there. Son of a bitch.
I hurried up at the urinal and got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I came back to my office and quickly googled puppies and daisies so I could get the evil thoughts out of my head. Then five minutes later, she comes by and stops in, leaning against my doorway. “I haven’t talked to you in a while, Space! How are you?” Uh, not feeling so well, my lady. Did everything come out all right? Of course I didn’t ask that. I really just wanted her to leave so I would never have to think about this again.
She stood there and talked for about five minutes, just totally oblivious to the fact that I had just heard her giving it hell in the bathroom. She was, in fact, acting like it had never happened. Can you imagine that shit? Up until just this morning, I had imagined that this woman didn’t even have the capability of defecating. Sure, she probably has an anus, but it’s not for that purpose. And all that was now soiled.
Well she finally left after a few minutes. There was no toilet paper stuck to her shoe or anything, but I had visions of seeing some evidence of the foul humanity she had just fought off in the bathroom as she walked away. I tried not to look though. It is a sad day for mankind. Well at least SpaceKind. I will never look at her the same again. Well, hey I guess at least she didn’t blort in her khakis.