You know how you keep hearing that stupid commercial on the radio from a car salesman saying some shit like, “If you can find a better deal anywhere in Texas, we’ll just give it to ya!”? The very first time I heard it, I caught onto their sly antics. Obviously they’re not going to give you the car. It’s actually scary how wildly proper their grammar is in that sentence. It’s just that America is so dumbed down by now that no one gets it. The subject of that sentence is the word ‘deal’. So when they use the pronoun ‘it’ in the predicate, it refers back to the subject, just like it should. If you can find a better deal anywhere in Texas, they’re just going to give you that deal.

And speaking of grammar, of which I know you’re all so fond… Look at how we write things like Texas’ Best Hot Dogs! And Dallas’ Hottest Titty Bar! It’s not technically improper to put an apostrophe without an additional s at the end of a possessive. But in formal writing, it is highly recommended. Ever hear of Strunk and White? Yeah. They say “Always put an s at the end.” So it should be Texas’s Hottest, or Dallas’s Biggest. And my point in telling you this is that people have for so long been omitting that additional s at the end, that we’ve begun to pronounce it the way it’s written. So when you hear these commercials on the air, it sounds phonetically like this: Come check out Dallas finest set of tits! And yeah, I do have a problem with that.

People have gotten so lazy and lax in their use of the English language that it has begun to change. The language and rules have begun to evolve into something not as attractive as it once was. I don’t like to sound like a grammar nazi. Well, actually, it doesn’t really bother me. You get two or three people a week sending you shit asking you to proof it, and you finally begin to see yourself as a grammar geek. It follows that you start correcting people in conversation. And trust me, this is not the quickest way to get laid.

Picture this scene. You meet a hot girl at the bar and she says, “You could come back to my place and we could lay by the fi– -” Uh, baby, it’s lie. We could lie by the fire. Lay would be the past tense. “Uh, ooh, yeah, look at the time. I have to return some movies!” So yeah, it’s best not to make a habit of correcting someone’s grammar in normal conversation. But when it’s pumping through your veins, it begins to bug the shit out of you when people misuse our beautiful tongue. Now if that sentence didn’t turn you off, maybe we should hook up.

Yes, to answer your question, an eloquent dialog is attractive to me. To hear a woman elegantly showcase her amazing control of the language turns me on. It’s even better for me when they showcase a powerful, robust diction as well. Using five-dollar words throughout a conversation will get my gears turning. See I, unlike the cool kids, actually learned all my vocabulary words back in junior high and high school. Remember the weekly SAT ones we had to learn? Like lethargic. Despotic. Despondent. Words like that. I did learn them. And committed them to memory. And when I don’t know a word, I look it up.

I don’t use the big words in normal conversation, most of the time, because all it gets me is a bunch of dumb looks and then I have to define for the other party what I just said. Meh. That’s too much work. But when I can engage in a quickening confabulation with a fetching lass, actuating that long lost parlance… Yes, I find myself aroused.