Junk Mail and Me

I get junk mail. You get junk mail. We all get junk mail. But lately, I’ve noticed a pattern. It’s hard not to notice when you’re getting the amount I’m getting, actually. But I’ve taken a new tactic here. I’d like to tell you about it.

So WAMU has been sending me shit, I guess to sign up for their credit card, or open a bank account with them. They have two separate mailers they send out. I get both of them. Two or three a week. Let me repeat that so you’ll understand better. I get both of their mailers, two or three times a week. That’s four to six pieces of mail from them, per week. I am not exaggerating here, dudes. It’s insane! I also get an envelop from Overland Mortgage at least once every two weeks. Clearly not as frequent as the wamu shit, but still enough to notice.

Now, normally I’d just throw away the shit and be done with it. But lately, I’ve (like I said above) decided to take a new tactic. So I’ve been opening the wamu shit and using their enclosed return envelop to mail their shit back to them. So there is a pamphlet explaining the customer agreement – it’s like a little newspaper booklet, then there’s a card (like a fake credit card showing you what yours will look like), a decorative advertisement index card, and then of course the form. So I stuff all that shit into their convenient return envelop – having never written anything on it – and then fold up the envelop it all came in. I put that in there too. I then drop this all in the mail with the several others I’ve gotten from them that particular week.

Now what happens is that those envelops are prepaid for a certain amount, knowing that people will be returning the form tear-off. Well when you send them back everything they sent you, it puts it way over the weight limit, and it ends up costing them more. So not only now are they paying millions of dollars in this marketing campaign to get new clients, but they’re paying double on my house because it’s all coming back to them blank. And they’re getting 4-6 of these a week from me, all overweight. Can you imagine how much paper and ink and shipping and shit they are wasting if every household is getting these at this frequency? It is literally mind-boggling to me. I can’t see how they can afford that. I have – no joke – sent back about forty-five of these in the last six weeks or so. That is a lot of money they’ve wasted. I’m never going to sign up for their shit! If I want something, I seek it out. I don’t respond to cold-calls and cold-mails. Likewise, I don’t respond to people knocking on my door trying to sell me shit. If I want something, I’ll go out and get it. Stay off my porch.

So now, I’ve actually made a hobby of sitting at my poker table and opening all my mail, discarding the trash, recycling the junk mail, and resealing and resending the wamu and overland shit. Seriously, they need to back the hell off. If they’re that bullheaded that they think quantity is going to change my mind, then they deserve to be buried alive in a coffin full of fire ants. How can a company be so dense and stupid? Ants! Fire ants!


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1 Response

  1. Yeah I generally fart into those envelopes before i send em’ back. I particularly like to send brocolli farts.

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