You all know how badly I want the new iPhone. Well, I have in fact already ordered one and paid for it. Now I wasn’t like some of those fools who went and stood in line for seven days to get one of the first releases of the 3G. I waited a couple of months and then mosied into the AT&T store because I needed a phone. Might as well get the iPhone. It’s been out for a couple of months now, so there shouldn’t be a big wait or anything. So what this should tell you is that I’m a patient guy. When a new electronic device comes out, I don’t rush out and get it right away. I wait until the excitement dies off.

Then I rush out and get one.

But here’s the difference. When I do order one, and pay for it, then I would like to have it right effing now. Of course they’re on backorder all over the country. So he told me 7-10 days. No biggie. Now it’s been two weeks and I’m starting to get a little antsy. But the good Lord is teaching me patience. Only problem is I’m not a very good student.

So I drove up to the Apple store this morning [July 29], because the site said they were available there today. So I figured I’d go get in line, wait an hour or so, get my iPhone, then cancel the order and get a refund for the backordered device. But let me back up a little. I have to publicly state that I do think it’s a little bit bullshitty that I ordered mine two weeks ago, and people are able to walk into an Apple store today and buy one. Right now. That doesn’t seem fair somehow. I’ve already paid for mine. Well, my girlfriend paid for it. Irregardless. So shouldn’t Apple be fulfilling preorders before they send iPhones to stores where they can just be bought first-come, first-served? I think so.

Anyway, back to the present. On my way out there this morning, I got lost. Not through any fault of my own. You see, google maps told me to go left on Southlake, right on Grand. Simple, right? Yeah, click that link. Let me tell you though. Not only is that Google Maps, which I trust, but it’s a link provided by the Apple store. Click here for directions. I clicked. And it didn’t get me there.

If I had an iPhone with the tower support, I could have gotten directions like GPS. WTF. So I get lost because you can’t turn right on Grand from Southlake. Grand does not intersect Southlake, no way, no how. In fact, you have to take a Carroll to Federal to State to Civic to Grand. So I stopped at a gas station. The lady there gave me more bad directions. Then when the motorcycle cop pulled me over for speeding, I was finally able to get directions that worked. I hadn’t been paying attention to my speed since I was looking for street signs that didn’t exist. At least not in the locations I was looking. How do you like that shit, Heisenberg?

So I got my citation from him and drove to the Apple store. The line was about ten people. No biggie, I’ll definitely be getting an iPhone today! I parked right across the street – which was the first good sign! Then waited in line for about four minutes before a Genius came out and told me they were all out. Not only was it a wasted trip, then. It was a wasted, and cited trip. Now I get to spend two hundred bucks paying for a ticket I wouldn’t have gotten if I had been patient and waited the remaining 600 years for my order to get here.

sCrew iPhones. I’m done with this bullshit. I’ll just stick with my flip phone. I can make calls on it and take pictures. What can the iPhone do that’s so special? Huh? Phht.

OKAY, OKAY, I’m sorry, Apple! I KNOW you can take pictures and use maps and calendars and play music and surf porn and rate restaurants and play games and control televisions and check email! I WANT MINE! PLEASE APPLE, SEND ME MINE!!!!

Update: 08/01 I got an email last night saying my iPhone order was canceled. Apparently, AT&T cancels orders if the just sit there waiting for too long. What in the effing F?

Update: 08/01 – Just a few hours later. Actually, I made that last update while standing in line at the Apple store. I finally have an iPhone. But the story isn’t to be that simple. Firstly, they said they couldn’t sell me one because my account has a corporate discount on it. So I had to call AT&T right then and have them lift the discount. I can call back and have it reapplied after all this is over.

Secondly, the phone number we bought the iPhone on originally was a brand new number. I added the girlfriend to the account. She gets a phone with that number, right? Yeah. She wants an iPhone (read: we’ll swap the SIM cards when we get it – she doesn’t want it, but my number isn’t upgrade eligible yet…). So she orders the iPhone, gets a number. Oh hey, would you like a temporary cheap phone to use while you wait for your iPhone? Yeah. So she got a cheap-o phone. Now that they’ve canceled our order for no reason, this phone is showing up on the account with her number as not being upgrade eligible. Which means that if I want an iPhone now I have to pay 500 bucks instead of 300. WTF?

So I have two questions. One: who do I have to kill for being so freaking stupid and not seeing what the’ve done here? And two: whose mom do I have to sleep with to get a stupid iPhone? Wow, was I really just not meant to have one?

Sigh. Okay, so I had to add another line to my account so I could get the iPhone at the discounted price. I’ll just have to cancel one of my three cell phone numbers in the next week or two. And unfortunately, it looks like it will be the one we got for her two weeks ago. The one she just told everyone was her new number. What a pain in the ass this has been. In fact, this has been more of a pain in the ass than my hemorrhoid removal surgery.

Good Lord, I’m so tired of talking about iPhones now. I have had mine for less than an hour and I’m already over it. I haven’t even screwed with it yet because she had to run it up to the AT&T store to get this shit ironed out. What a ridiculous mess. I will never ever get onto a new device bandwagon, ever again. Not ever.