Yes, my fearless readers, I have decided to go into insurance. And let me tell you why. We all know it’s legal crime, and who doesn’t want a little crime under their fingernails? Aha, two puns in one paragraph. So let me tell you why it would be so wonderful to work in insurance. Well, actually, let me back up and rephrase that because I think it probably wouldn’t be all that cool to work in insurance. The money, and therefore, the fun, would be in owning an insurance company. That’s where it’s at.
First of all, you charge people money every month. Let’s talk auto insurance, just for the sake of conversation. Okay, so let’s say you pay me around $150 a month for your Jeep Grand Cherokee to be insured. Ooh, let’s even say that it’s bright orange with a brown racing stripe down the middle! And it’s got twenty-inch wheels that are painted brown. And one of those chain license plate frames. Okay. So I insure that for you. You pay me $1800 a year. So if I have say twenty clients, I’m making a pretty good bit of coin. Now we get to where it would kick ass to own the insurance company.
Let’s say you have a fender-bender. You run into a brown Datsun pickup that has “Rodrigez” across the back window in Olde English letters. No, wait. We want the other driver to have insurance too. So let’s say the name isn’t there, but there’s an NRA sticker and a “Bush/Dukakis ’88” sticker too. The driver has a beard. Okay, so you run into him and it’s your fault. You wanna get your shit fixed, right? Well here’s number one: I get to decide whether or not I pay for the damages. Since it was technically your fault, I don’t even have to pay if I don’t want. I know. Crazy. But that’s how I get rich!
Okay, and here’s number two. I do have to pay for the Datsun. But since it’s like a 1982 model, it’s not going to cost very much. And if there were a “Rodriguez” across the back window in Olde English letters, you would also be covered if you paid me the Uninsured Motorist premium. So anyway, I pay to get dude’s Datsun fixed. Number two is that I raise your rates now. It doesn’t really matter that you’ve been a loyal paying customer since Mondale ran for president. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never made a claim. You’ve paid me somewhere around twenty thousand dollars over the years. So you think I should give you that money back, huh? Buy you a new car – as a reward for not crashing? Ha! Twenty thousand would be a good little chunk into your new Land Rover, wouldn’t it? Yeah, well screw yourself, because you’re not getting it back. I’m going to reluctantly pay for the damages on your vehicle, but I’m gonna penalize you for using the insurance you have contracted me to provide.
Your penalty is higher rates. Okay, so you drive on. And a year later, Clive Horbert from over there off of Shady Oaks Lane pulls out in front of you. He’s kind of old, so he’s driving slow, naturally. He’s one of those kind of guys that when you drive by him in a huff and flip him off, he doesn’t even look over at you. But anyway, he pulled out and you rear-end him. Okay, I’m gonna reluctantly pay your damages again since you’ve been a good paying customer since Jimmy Carter was in office. But here’s where I invoke number three: you’ve made two many claims now. (Like that? Two instead of too? Haha!) So I’m gonna drop you. Yup. You’re no longer insured by SpaceBrew Insurance. You now have to find you another insurance company.
And here’s number four: since I lost money on you – which I really didn’t since I made like 25 grand from you over all the years, but I had to pay out a couple of grand, so I call it “losing money” – when Crunk Insurance Associates calls me and asks how good of a customer you were, I’m gonna tell them you had a couple of claims. So they’re gonna charge you a higher premium too. You’re screwed no matter where you go! HA HA HA! Because since I’m in insurance and so is Crunk, we drink beer together and give each other high-fives! We’re all brothers and we all pat each other’s backs! We’re all out to screw you and there’s nothing you can do about it! Unless you join us and get into the insurance business.
Okay, so there’s a little scenario that’s not real. Oh, but it is. It is so real, fearless reader. So I propose we make our own insurance company. And the money you pay in, goes into an account. Yes. Like a bank account. And when you crash, you use money from that account. And since in my new proposal, all insurance companies are neutered, they are all government-funded and backed. So every penny you put into that account is protected by the government. And all insurance companies are non-profit organizations. Now which scenario do you like better? Still like the old way? Well get this: all of the insurance agents in my scenario are hot women who walk around with low-cut blouses so you can see the tops of their boobs. See? I knew you’d agree with me. You can go ahead and write me in on the November election ballots.