Help Me Fix My Time Machine

I was working in the hangar this morning, trying to get my temporal matrix delineator running again. Something is wrong with the flux bank. It’s getting ridiculously complex though, and I’ve downloaded every manual I can find for it. Something has burned through one of the wires on the fonga assembly, and now the stupid thing smokes whenever I engage the cryostat.

So long story short, I replaced the two bad nodes on the flux bank and rewired the cryofuse with an Atometer 4000 Barker Plug. You know, one of those platinum-plated bad boys? Yeah. No shit. It set me back about two grand. This shit ain’t cheap like it used to be. Anyway, after I got those replaced, my camber light started blinking. NOW WHAT?!? Ha! Good lord, if it’s not one thing it’s another, right? So I removed the camber coil box, and guess what I found. Seriously. Look at this picture:

Can you believe that shit? BUGS. Thousands of them. Those are Jovian Cockroaches. I guess I picked them up on my last trip through the Europa sector last May. Anyway, it took me several hours to get them all cleaned out. And boy they stunk. And you know what else? They’re poisonous as shit. Anyway, I got rid of all them bitches and cleaned up everything and put the camber coil box back in place, and BING! The light went out. Thank God. Something finally went right.

I plug in a new date, I induce the HyperTrip StarSwinger and I got an error message. It read: BAD FONGA PLUG. CHECK CRYOSTAT. ERROR 909.9.

So now I turn to you, faithful SpaceBrewers. I really need your help. Anyone know what the hell this error means? Anyone know where I can get a new cryostat for Zark’s sake? I would hate to have to replace the entire fonga assembly, but shit, I guess I may have to. I’m supposed to be at a Moon Wedding on the 19th. 2144. I won’t live that long just waiting it out, so I have to get my time machine working. Any ideas? Anyone? We’ll use the comments section below as a forum for getting this thing fixed. Thank you in advance.

UPDATED: Click here for the conclusion of this saga!

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17 Responses

  1. Fonga is eastern Kraktaun dialect for the word “anal”. Reach down to your naughty hole and give it a quick shove. Error should go away there, buddy.

  2. Obviously you need to replace the catheter to drain that anal gland that Tommy referred to. Then connect a new johnson rod to the polar flex joint. That should cause the cryostat to reboot. From there you will be able to follow the screen prompts. Let me know how it comes out.

  3. That was pretty gay, Cap.

  4. steppy says:

    I can’t get past that picture! But, good luck.

  5. Stella says:

    i hate to sound like a smart ass space, but did you check the dimension batteries?

  6. Space says:

    Captain, the polar flex joint on this model doesn’t take a johnson rod connection. It takes a kanifta pin, which is wired into the solar pole. If I unhook that it will shock the fire outta me. I done learned that lesson!

    Yes, Stella, I just put a fresh AA in the dimension scrambler this morning. Nothing changed. The star gauge is lit up now though. I don’t know if that’s important.

  7. Steppy, are you hung up on the cock or the roach?

  8. Jeremy says:

    You guys are stupid. The error clearly states there’s a bad fonga plug. Replace the fonga plug and be done with it Space.

  9. Fonga plugs don’t just bad, Jeremy. The vast majority of the time the oscillating pin ejaculator has fouled out.

  10. Catina says:

    Gosh… All you have to do is change the blinker fluid in the hyphendifilator valve. Problem solved!

  11. Catina says:

    And I want a cool background :rant:

     

    space says:

    Okay. Calm down, Catina. :|

  12. Johnny Dangerous says:

    Are you sure those bugs didn’t eat through a wire or something?

  13. Space says:

    I’ll be mother effing damned, Tommy. I replaced the oscillating pin ejaculator and now the reticulating cockball assembly is humming like a charm. I mean, minor nag, it wasn’t really keeping the thing from running, but it was annoying at light speed hearing that bitch rattle against the elbowcock joint. Thanks for the advice!

    I’m still trying to figure out that bad fonga assembly though. Sorry, Catina. This is an old school model. It doesn’t have a hyphendifilator valve on it. It’s got radiation injection coils. And those are brand new. My Pop got them for me for Christmas last year.

  14. Becky Riles says:

    I wish I knew something about time machines so I could help you out. Unfortunately I don’t even know about my own car. Good luck though.

    Eeew yucky bugs! :sick:

  15. Becky Riles says:

    I too would like to know how to get a fancy background though!

     

    Space Says:

    You people are killing me. If you look on the home page in the right column under the Specials header, you’ll see a link to custom comments. Read all about it.

  16. Stella says:

    well as a last resort, space, i think you need to just wheel your time machine into the shop. there’s a pretty good one over here by me called roy’s deer feed and time machine repair, but of course i’m in another state. maybe i’ll swing by after work and get an estimate for you.

  17. Space says:

    Ah, yeah. I’ve driven by that on my way through Lafayette many times. It’s right next door to Ken’s Muffler and Donut Shop, right?

    I guess I’ll have to break down and take it to a professional like that. Sigh.

    :(

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