I don’t believe in the Goat Man.

After a weekend like I just had, you want to write about it. And the funny thing is, I happen to have a website, so I think I will. Saturday, Byron and Hayley and Step and I went to the horse races out in Grand Prairie. And now I can say with a cute little smirk on my face that yes, dear readers, I did bet on the Preakness. They had nine other races there at the Lone Star Park, but the Preakness was simulcast. You know, shown on the big screen across the track. It wasn’t near as exciting as the local races.

But we had good beer, great fun, and placed a few bets on the races themselves. I only won a few hundred thousand dollars, so it’s not that interesting, and I won’t go into details. Just suffice it to say, the Ones were Cold and the Sun was Hot. Whatever. The point is that we went to the damn horse races and that was the first time I’ve ever bet on them.

After leaving the racetrack, we figured we’d go out to the ever-famous Goat Man’s Bridge in Denton. Yeah, you can go read the legend on urbandlegends.com or wherever you can find it. I’ve been going out there ever since I was like thirteen, and I’ve never seen no damn goat man, so none of that really does anything for me. It’s just a cool place to go hang out, listen to the crickets and frogs, and drink some beer with some good friends. So that’s what we did. That place has turned into a tourist attraction from hell though. There were so many teenagers and highschoolers just pulling into the parking lot and walking down the path to the bridge. They’d go do whatever they came to do, which was like five minutes long, then come back. WTF?

We stayed there for several hours. What’s with all this coming and hanging out for like fifteen minutes? What’s the point? However, it does give one the opportunity to “scare” some of those kids. And by “scare” I mean “scare the ever-loving great green elephant hell out of”. Yes my friends, we had the perfect opportunity to scare some people. We didn’t though.

After that, we decided to go back to Byron and Hailey’s, have a few drinks and crash on their couch for them. If you saw my twitter feed, you saw where I wrote that their house was fortified with some serious security. Well yeah, considering we went to the bridge with our handguns, that meant we went to bed with them. And being in a foreign place – even one as friendly as Byron’s house – I never sleep quite as deeply as I do at home. So when I heard a creaking door open in the middle of the night, I sat up and grabbed my tac-light.

My heart was slamming in my chest, and something was coming from the darkness of the back of the house. Now I’m not kidding you, I had heard a door creak, and I sat bolt upright on the couch, trying to clear the fog of dreams from my eyes when all of a sudden, here it comes, right over the edge of the couch! The hair stood up on the back of my neck as I grabbed my pistol from between the couch cushions. Sure enough, I’ve gone my whole life without ever having to use it, but now, here I was, going to have to kill someone (or something) in my buddy’s house.

I raised my weapon and breathed in deeply, then crossed my hands and blasted a bolt of pure white, 110-lumen light at whatever was coming over the arm of the couch at me from the darkness. And quickly I heard a soft sweet voice say, “Don’t shoot me honey,” and was more than just a little shocked to see it was the face of my lovely wife. Not the goat man. Oh. So she had gotten up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and I had assumed that had that happened I would have felt her get up off the couch. I guess I had been sleeping a little heavier than I accounted for! Maybe I need to rethink my protection strategies!

Well, I took a deep breath and let my heart slow back down to a reasonable speed, thankful that it was indeed my gorgeous wife and not the ugly goat man, who I would surely have sworn it was. I didn’t, of course, let her know how badly she had just scared me, because I don’t want to sound like a big pussy. But I think I might have even wet myself a little bit. Hey, at least it was on Byron’s couch though, and not my own!

Oh, I kid, I kid. But it was a good weekend, worthy of good celebration. Which we did. We spent the day Sunday drinking in the pool, cooking burgers and fiving highs. And after a party that good in the pool, you have to celebrate with a little quiet drinking at home on the SpacePatio. Which we did until about midnight Monday morning. Phew! Maybe I’ll recover sometime by the end of the week, when it’s time to do it all over again.

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9 Responses

  1. Phil Mabe says:

    So you almost shot your wife? Not GOOD. You need to learn to be a little less paranoid, Space!

  2. Shit! I’ve probably driven right by that goat man and never known it.

  3. Space says:

    No, Phil, I didn’t almost shoot my wife. I almost shot the goat man. Only it turned out to be my wife and not him.

    Duh.

    :rolleyes:

  4. Haycomet says:

    Oh, that explains the stain on the couch! I thought it smelled like beer and squeaky-door-induced fear.

  5. Space says:

    Now which stain are you talking about? There should have been two.

    :cowboy:

    Oh wait. And what the hell were you doing smelling it? :gonk:

  6. Haycomet says:

    For one…ewwww.

    And B, in my defense, at least I opted for smell and not taste.

  7. Space says:

    Yeah, you took the comedy option. So this weekend are we taking more guns, more people or more beer to fight the Goat Man?

  8. Haycomet says:

    Before I answer that, I want a custom comment box. Black/pink with a cupcake, but not “girly”. Thanks!

    space added:

    Like that?

  9. Haycomet says:

    Well, that’s freakin’ awesome, and with sprinkles too! I freakin’ love sprinkles!! Thank you!
    And the answer to your question is A and C (not that they were labeled as such, but if they were…), but then I’m wondering should one really bring more guns when there is more beer? So let’s just bring more beer and if things get bad, we’ll sling shot the crushed cans at the Goatman’s head.

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