No More Nuts On My Elbows

Well I hope you all enjoyed the last two days, with our two newest writers. What a delightful treat, yeah? Now if we can get them to keep writing, that will be the trick. But you know what encourages them? What motivates them? Responses. Keep posting your comments and letting us know how we’re doing here. I know, I know, Siege ranted about a traffic incident. It’s long been an unspoken law around here that we don’t talk about traffic. But I quite like his perspective on it, not actually coming out and calling the guy a douchebag, but rather implying he is one by saying his helicopter is in the shop. I see those every morning. And they’re usually driving H2s or H3s. Yeah, I said it. You drive a Hummer, you’re a douche. Simple math.

Stout and I were talking last night about the haircut, and how it costs so much damn money. You know, the price of the haircut is going up every year. And I should know, because I only get mine cut twice a year. I despise going to the barber shop. Again, I don’t mind a male barber, or necessarily prefer a female barber… It all comes down to the one question you face when you’re about to have to choose though: “Do I want nuts on the elbow, or boobs on the shoulder?” And of course, at that point, I always have to swing toward the she-barber’s chair. But the nuts on the elbow isn’t why I hate getting my hair cut. I think it’s the act of sitting there for fifteen minutes, paying fifteen dollars for a shitty haircut that I could have done myself, better. Seriously. No, really. I really do cut my own hair most of the time. I don’t do a great job on the fade in the back, but the top part with the scissors? Man I got that shit down.

But anyway, it is getting more expensive, and I just hate having to pay that much for a gamble. Because the little barbershop I visit has more turnover than a Dallas Cowboys scrimmage. Literally, every time I’ve gone in there (except like twice) I have gotten a different stylist. And I use the word loosely. So it really is a gamble. And the last dude I got looked good. Older guy, looks serious, probably been cutting hair for thirty years. Well I’ll be a son of a bitch, if he didn’t screw my head up real good. Thirty years you’ve been doing this, and someone hasn’t taken that straight razor to your nuts yet? I call that lucky. Sometimes you get a good barber, sometimes you get a shitty one. And speaking of the Cowboys, they got a go- -okay, sorry. I’ll refrain from making the Marion Barber joke. But trust me, it was a good one.

Who the hell made this the icon for barbers?I also hate going to the barber because no matter what shitty antiquated technology they use, I always get hair down my back. I mean, I know my back is covered with a thick bearskin rug of black hair already, but seriously, I can feel every one of those little whiskers they drop down my shirt. So the technology available hasn’t changed since the first barber opened his doors in 1879 in Pittsburgh. And really, why aren’t robots cutting our hair by now? You have the little cloth shit they wrap around your neck and fold over the cape. Look, Barber Society. This DOES NOT WORK. Maybe it keeps the really long hairs from going down your shirt, but not the clippings. Trust me!

So another defensive maneuver they use is the powder brush when they’ve finished the cut. The brush your neck and make you feel all good, get some powder on it because that will keep your neck from itching. Ahem. No. It doesn’t keep your neck from itching, and the damn brush doesn’t even knock the hairs off your neck! How long do you guys honestly think you can keep up this facade? We’ve all figured it out! Do you honestly believe your customers still believe they’re going to walk out of the barber shop and not have to go home and shower?

The third trick they use is the ole hairdryer-all-over maneuver. They blow your neck and face and head off with the hairdryer. And you know what’s funny? This is typically the last strategy they use of the three – and they do use all three of them, usually – and it doesn’t work either. Okay so you put up a cloth barrier, you brushed me with powder, and now you’re blowing me off with the hair dryer. And guess what. I still have to go home and shower, and you’ll still find 103895825 tiny little hairs inside my shirt. I’m starting to think this vacuum-attached clippers set is not such a bad idea. You know the ones seen on TV?

So I don’t go to the barber anymore unless it’s just dire. I would rather strip down naked (what’s up ladies?) and stand in the tub clipping my own hair in the little shaving mirror. That way all the hairs fall in the tub and can be washed away, and I can immediately turn on the water and knock the hair off of me. And I’ve gotten quite good at it, I must say.

So if barbershops are allowed to continue doing the same thing they’ve done since the first one opened – but never improve their technology or skillsets (seriously, why can I still get a shitty haircut? You’d think the schools would have fixed that by now…) then how are they held accountable? And why can they continue to raise prices? You know they’re not covering the cost of new, improved tech and better schooling! They still suck! Why aren’t they held to the same standards as other industries? It’s bullsh, people.

So here’s your two choices: I know, I started the last three paragraphs with the word ‘so’. You know what I say about that? “So?” Your two choices are this: either stop spending money at the barber shops and send one of the women in your family, instead, to barber school. I know, I just talked about how the school sucks, but still they can get some ideas. Then get yourself some good scissors and clippers, and let the woman in the house start cutting all the men’s hair. If you get a haircut every month, at an average of 15 bucks a pop, you’re spending 180 bucks a year on it. You’d recover your cost in a couple of years, max. And if you’re like 60 years old, think how many haircuts that is. Now the women would still have to go to the salons, because they just ain’t having that shit.

Your other option is to revolt, boycott and picket the damn barber shops. Start protesting outside of them until all the barbers come out in their big white shirts with the utility pockets at the waist. When we have their attention, we reform the barbershop industry. We make new rules. Force them into continuing education. Make them develop new technologies. Get rid of the barber chairs and put in bathtubs you can sit in naked while getting your hair cut. (At this point, yeah, I’m going to go ahead and demand the boobs on the shoulder thing.) And for The Elephant’s sake, people, make them stop asking “How do you want it cut?” WITH SCISSORS, IDIOT.


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7 Responses

  1. Phil Mabe says:

    Never really thought about that, but the technology hasn’t grown much has it. The problem is theres really not much room for it to grow.

    Unless they get robots to start doing it like you said.

  2. Siege says:

    I have never had elephant sake. Habu sake, yes. I’m not sure how alcohol-soaked elephant would taste, or elephant-soaked alcohol, for that matter.

    There are clippers that have a vacuum attached (not a flowbee, real clippers).

    Why isn’t the hygene-o-matic like in ‘The Jetsons’ a reality yet? Or flying cars? …. nevermind about the flying cars; most people have trouble just navigating the X and Z axis, Y would be a catastrophe.

  3. Becky Riles says:

    LOL let me know when your ready to start your picket protest at the barber, Space. I’ll be to come down and take pictures!

  4. threat says:

    I think the problem is, you haven’t found a barber hot enough and cool enough that you can overlook their idosyncrasies.

    Mine for example, is supah fly tnt and is an NFL freak. Easy on the eyes, and we can talk sports. What more can you ask for in the 10 minutes it takes to cut my hair.

  5. Space says:

    You know that’s a good point, threat. I used to go to one at Sport’s Clip’s over here who looked like a taller SheBang. She was kind of hot, and we had a few laughs, but she never put her boobs on my shoulders. Seriously? I’m paying you to cut my hair and you never give me the lean-in?

    So yeah, I quit going.

  6. Someone Who Cares says:

    This is truly a problem that plagues our society. It’s amazing how many bad haircuts are still sold every single day.

  7. Catina says:

    If you ever figure out the secret to this let me know. I have to take little boys to the “shop” for 11 more years and I am tired of the 8 out of 10 bad haircuts.

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