Team-Building Events That Work

The other night, while sitting outside with Siege, our discussion rounded upon the topic of women at work. We work with some cute women. Don’t know how many of them are “chicks” by Haycomet’s definition, but there are probably eleven women to every one man in our building. I’d say that’s pretty good odds if you’re single. Which he is. Ahem, ladies. So anyway, I came up with what I think is an excellent idea to break the ice a little and get things moving if you’re wanting to meet some people and find out more about them.

This also applies to building that “team feeling” you get at one of them really good jobs. A lot of companies out there are really suffering in the trust and teamwork departments. Now don’t go looking for the “teamwork department”. It’s just a phrase, dude. But if you work in one of these unfortunate places where the sexual tension is just through the roof and the executives oppress your right to free love in the bathroom stalls and network closets, you should definitely read on.

Here’s what you do, guys. Gather in the conference room – preferrably the biggest one in the company – and all the guys sit behind a table like little Simon Cowells and Paula Abduls. Then you hold a contest for the hottest woman in the company. Not all women would have to participate, of course. The old ones could take a break while you hold the contest. You could also invoke a weight limit, were you so inclined. But none of the hot women would be allowed not to participate. So the contest goes like this: you march them all by and all the guys judge them on their looks, body, style, personality – you know, just everything you can see when she walks by.

The men all then convene to the smaller conference room to discuss and vote on the winner. Once a winner is determined – the absolute hottest girl in the company – you return to present her the grand prize. Which is that she has the fabulous enviable opportunity to strip naked and dance on the conference room table for all the men. Isn’t that perfect? Who would turn down that chance? Who could turn down that chance! Not only to be named the Hottest Girl In The Company, but then to get the unique and rare opportunity to bare it all for all the dudes there.

And even better, for an added bonus (and this is completely optional, guys) is that they do the same thing for the guys. And one lucky winner, namely the Hottest Guy In The Company, gets fifteen minutes alone in the janitor’s closet with the Hottest Girl In The Company.

Now for guys like me who are married, we could pass this coveted award on to our favorite second choice. Obviously, I wouldn’t stand a shot at the title for the men, but I’m making a point. The women, of course, don’t get that option. But whatever, they’re women, right? No, but seriously, I think it would be a major success, and it would really be a positive step in the team-building activities department. I’ve mentioned this to our HR department, and though she said she didn’t think we had time for it this year, she would consider it for next year.

If you want to know her exact words, I’ll have to look them up for you when I go sign the paperwork Monday morning. She wrote word-for-word what I had said down on some form I supposedly have to sign. She also said to make sure I bring some boxes to work Monday. I’m guessing maybe those are for the contestants to stand on or something. Anyway, it was just a thought. Maybe you could implement this at your company. Just toss a little credit my way when they ask where you came up with the brilliant idea. Heck, you can even point them to this column.

Another good team-building event is to get all the employees in the huge conference room and turn all the lights off. Okay, that’s the easy part. Then you let seven rats loose in the room in the dark and watch the trust and comradeship build as the women exercise their trust that the men will protect them. Bonus points if you release a skunk, too. You, as a team learn to get used to the smell together. See how that works? Yes, people, these are excellent ideas, I know. Feel free to use them at your company.

And finally – and this might be the strongest one – is the old pot luck lunch. Everyone brings an excellent dish and the administrator crunches up dung beetles and cockroaches, then seasons everything with the bits. This one works well, because halfway through the meal, the administrator gets up and tells everyone what they’re eating, and amidst all the chaos and screaming and hacking and puking and throwing food and stuff, you will really start to see some people coming together. Everyone will learn to work through it together, determining the best way to lynch, hang and possibly throw from the roof, the administrator. It’s a great exercise and I’ve found it to work every time I’ve used it.

I have tons more where these came from, if ever you need some more good ideas. Just give me a shout. I’ve been known to help companies come back from the dead, so alive and twinkling with trust that you’d think they were a bank. I’m also a motivational speaker, if you need some of that. I’m a professional, licensed speaker with somewhere around two or three hours of experience. So give me a shout, and together, we’ll bring your team back to life!


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2 Responses

  1. scott says:

    I should try this on my kids, they’re in dire need of some team work. It’s more like WWIII when they too confined for too long, together.

    You don’t happen to have any of this stuff in your deep freezer, do you? I could use it.

  2. Space says:

    No, it’s imperative that you use live rats. Now the buckets of frozen diarrhea that you use to break the ice at punch parties…

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