I’d like to talk with you about radio commercials. Well, I don’t really want to, but rather, I think we need to talk about it. Specifically, I think a message needs to be sent out to these radio advertisers. And the message doesn’t need to be long or complex, or deep. I just want to say a couple of words. Namely, “I don’t give a flying AIDS-infested skunk’s ass what your damn name is!”
Wow, it feels really good to get that off my chest.
Seriously. Every time I hear that damn Volvo commercial where the dude gets on and says his gay ass name (gay because it rhymes), I turn the volume all the way down, or I change the station. It really does bother me that much. I don’t know why. Call me gay, or tell me I overreact, that’s fine. I don’t disagree with you. I’ll shrug my shoulders and say something like, “I’m just sayin’.” But seriously, why do they have to tell me their names?
“Jack Dixon here with Toyota of Fort Worth. Blah blah blah.” Or one of the worst is, “Hey, aren’t you Such Andsuch, Sleep Experts president?” Yeah. That’s totally believable. Like she’s some celebrity people are going to recognize. Dude, you’re on the radio! NO ONE CARES what your name is! And furthermore, no one needs to know what your name is! I know, I know, these people are trying to eat up the radio time and use it to boost their celebrity a little bit. Splash around in their fifteen-minute popularity pool a little bit. But it’s really just annoying and gay.
Another thing that bothers me is this internet fad of posting a picture of your support department that leads people to believe you have a pretty girl with a headset answering the phones. I’ve google searched all kinds of keywords having to do with this, and every single one of them is a hot ass chick. Not one of them is realistic. You know most of the women answering phones are hambeasts! They don’t all look like Haycomet. See, Haycomet is the exception to this rule. And not all of them are women! A lot of them are neckbearded buttertroll men with fingers orange from Cheetos and a stack of Diet Coke cans on their desks!
Now I know people like to imagine they’re talking to someone attractive, but it’s kind of ridiculous. I don’t really care what the support chick looks like. My whole goal in life when calling any company’s support line is to get off the phone as quickly as possible. I’m not calling to sex chat. I’m not calling to talk personal with one of these women. To score a date. I want to start seeing pictures of your real support folk on your website! Pictures you took with your company camera! Not some stock photo you paid for when they designed your site. Show me the hambeasts with little chunks of bacon stuck in their neckbear hair. Show me the buttertrolls with thirteen chins and mustard smeared between their fat folds. Be realistic!
Another trend there is to show pictures of a line of smiling operators in their cute little headsets. A line of them. No cube walls between them. Ahem. So it’s going to be really loud in there when they’re all on the phone. That would be terrible. And I’m not even mentioning the fact that these people aren’t always smilingly happy to support you. I’m happy to support my customers, but I’m usually not smiling while I connect to their computer and figure out what’s going on. I’m usually frowning when I sort through the problem. It’s a posture of thought, not anger. But I’m almost never smiling, unless they accidentally left their topless picture up on the screen or something. (And it’s a chick.)
I’m going to include several pictures here that demonstrate what I’m talking about. But then maybe we can talk Haycomet into some call-center columns. Call Center Columns From the Comet could be the title. I don’t know. Maybe something not as gay. Anyway, here are some pictures.
God, all those women are hot! Son of a bitch! Makes me need some customer service.