Welcome back, everyone, from what was hopefully a glorious and wonderful Independence Day weekend. I, for one, can tell you that I was on the road for most of the weekend. That’s right, folks, I am NOT writing this live as of Monday morning. I’m writing it on Tuesday morning of last week, the day you all knew as June 29. I know, it seems crazy, but all writing is sort of like time traveling for the reader anyway. You read something that happened in your past, but was the writer’s present tense. It is a very powerful tool.

But yes, I am now (I hope, and by all means should be) in sunny Treasure Island, Florida for our Third Annual Watch Fireworks and Drink Beer On the Beach All Day While Women Bounce Around In Skimpy Bikinis Festival. The festival lasts about a week, and typically happens right around Independence Day weekend. Last year I attended and ended up married to a redhead. So some crazy stuff is known to happen during these soirees.

I haven’t talked about my vacation plans with all of you, because I wanted to get there and have a few days before you found out where I was, so you wouldn’t swarm me like the Internet celebrity I am. Last time I told people where I would be going out for drinks, people actually left the bar in anticipation. I guess I could be called the Anti-Celebrity. And I guess I’d be okay with that.

But the SpaceHouse is in capable hands this week while we’re away, as Siege is staying there guarding the fridge and making sure the Ones stay Cold. Meanwhile, Stout, Step, Space and the kids will be kickin’ it Carribean style, wearing nothing but a smile, some sunglasses, sunscreen (at least 50+ SPF), flip-flops, a swim suit, a watch, some decorative jewelry and possibly a t-shirt just to protect from the hard Florida sun. This is a picture I took last year of one of the ladies on the beach next to us. I know, I know, I always make the joke about sipping maitais while hot little Hawaiian girls shake their hips (among other things) for us. But really? Who the hell drinks maitais? And isn’t that a Japanese word? And don’t Hawaiians hate the Japanese? Damn racists. And really? Why would I want Hawaiian girls dancing and shaking their jiggly parts when I can have Florida locals? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Let’s hear it for the Over-70 Crowd! Woot! Show me them leather boobs, baby!

Okay, calm down, Spacey. So last year we came down here and did this pirate cruise where they serve free Cold Ones to all the adults while the kids are up in the bow of the ship telling pirate stories and preparing their water guns for the big attack. And I played Peg-leg Pete, the dreaded pirate who had to sneak up on them and steal their treasure. So with a beer in one hand and a pirate sword in the other, I attacked the children just like I was told. One fell over the edge of the boat. I’m not sure if some other boat picked her up, but I’m sure she at least made it to shore. Another suffered a slight scrape to the inner eyeball from the tip of the plastic sword. He gets to wear a patch for real now. But that’s cool, right? They all wanted to be pirates. Anyway, it was a lot of fun. At least for me. And like I said, they served free beer for the adults. So we may be going back to do that again this year. Other than that, here’s a checklist of what we’re going to do:

• Sit on the beach, drinking beer

Well, I think that about wraps it up. I’ll be back Saturday evening to get ready for going back to work. Which is always hard, no matter how awesomely you love your job. It’s strange no one wants to pay me to sit on the beach looking at boobs and drinking beer. I’m so damn good at that. But yes, readers, I want you to know, I was so concerned for your entertainment that I scheduled columns for every day this week, so you would have something to read. I worked extra hard writing multiple columns a day so that I could take off the fifth through the ninth and you wouldn’t have to suffer. You can thank me with a Cold One next time I announce I’ll be heading to a bar after work.

But really, I hope you all had a great Independence Day, and popped a lot of fireworks (without blowing off your fingers). Wish me luck as I have to sit in the heat all week. But please don’t pity me. I’ll make the best of it.