Well I didn’t finish the video I promised you yet. I got a little busy last evening with some other issues. Oh and get this: I found out that the back door on the pickup rebroke itself. I guess the nuclear putty didn’t hold after all. I’ll have to try some SolaGlue. Meh. Anyway, I’ll put some work into it this weekend amidst all the pool time and beer drinking we have planned. I hope to get it done soon though because it’s gonna be good.
So I realized the other day that when Moonshine did her columns about Life Lessons from a Good Girl (here, here, and here), I started my own series here. But I never finished them. And what’s more, the only topic I wrote about, fighting, is not something with which I am even well versed. I mean, I’ve been in a ton of fights in my life, and I’ve faired pretty well, but I’m not really what anyone would call a fighter. I’m more of a “writer”. You like that? And today there’s sort of a new age of fighters. Dudes have gotten really big and really mean. So I just avoid it at all costs and let my friend Mr Browning handle my confrontations for me.
Well I decided that I should go ahead and continue the series. Because I know we can all use a few life lessons. If you have any of your own, feel free to post them in the forums. We’d love to hear them. So my next installment in the series is a subject near and dear to my heart: driving.
Topic #2: Driving
Driving is a very important task a lot of us do frequently. Some of us do it well, while others just never really get the hang of it, and should, therefore, have their license suspended permanently and be flung from the top of the Superman Tower of Power at Six Flags with bowling balls strapped to their hands and feet. The people to whom I am referring are the ones who think being on the CELL PHONE is more important than the driving part. And it’s mostly women. Sorry, ladies. Most men just don’t have a big problem talking and driving at the same time. In fact, yesterday I was on the phone almost all the way back from downtown Dallas during rush-hour traffic, and was still telling people to stay in their lanes and motioning for people to “HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE, IDIOT!” as I drove by horrible phone swervers.
I say this a lot, and it’s the number one thing I’m going to say to my kids when they get their driver licenses. I’m going to say very simply, this: “Think about this. Digest it. Spend some time in thought about it. And practice it: Make driving the most important thing you’re doing when behind the wheel.” See, I won’t tell anyone not to gab on the phone. It shouldn’t be that much different than talking to someone in the passenger seat. But if you’re going to talk on the cell phone, put on makeup, fax a paper, fry some bacon on your PortaGeorge 3000 grill, or hand knit a new pair of Christmas panties… that’s fine! Just don’t give it more attention and priority than the driving part of being behind the wheel! Be ready to drop your crochet needles, your hot iron, your GoodVibrations 6000, your cell phone, or whatever else you could be doing if something suddenly arises.
Another good piece of advice I have to offer may sound pretty trite. And you may think I’m kidding, but I’m not. Ready? Here it is: don’t speed. Haha! Yeah, seriously. There are several reasons for this one, and I have the answers to every bit of it, because I used to speed all the time. Five over, ten over, whatever. I’d do 75 in a 55 just “keeping up with traffic” quite frequently. Some say it’s dangerous to be the slowest one on the highway while everyone is flying by you. I say horse shit! At a lower rate of speed your injuries will be less intense than if you’re all blasting around at 75. And, you’re not breaking the law!
I for many years sped around like my dick was on fire. And, well, actually sometimes it was… Irregardless, I finally hung up the towel and threw in the old pool cue. I’m done. My dad still speeds around like he’s running from a boulder, and he’s in his mid-sixties. He has to be the first one there, and cuts people off, flips people off, pisses people off and (someone help me – send me something else I can end with ‘people off’! Thanks!). So by the time he gets to where he’s going – which is a lucky shot in and of itself – he’s stressed out, angry and short-tempered. He has to cool off and let his heartbeat return to normal. It’s ridiculous. And I used to do the same thing. Like father like fun.
But I stopped that shit, and you know what? It really wasn’t that hard. One way to do it is to get a slow car. My car is like 0-6 in 60 seconds. For real. I can drive the shit out of it, and that little cute four-banger just won’t put me at the front of the line. But even when I was driving Rocksy, my Wrangler, it was fast. It had a straight six and a five speed with a bad ass first gear. I was always the first through the intersection after a stop light. I just finally removed myself from the rat race because I got tired of the game. No matter how fast you drive, you can’t pass everybody. There will always be someone ahead of you. There will always be traffic. And guess what, Pop… It’s going to get worse. Humanity is still multiplying and more and more people are moving into your quaint little hometown. Traffic will never get better. It will always get worse. Why let it defeat you?
So I go 55 in a 55, and usually never above 60. Even in the 70-MPH zones, I’m the guy going between 55-60. I just don’t care. I listen to my music, I drink my Cold One, look at the boobs of the women on the sidewalks, and just take it easy. And I always get there within a few minutes of my dad, and I’m stress-free and easygoing. It doesn’t rule me anymore. And like I said, it was a relatively easy habit to break. I just made the decision and started driving cool.
The second reason you don’t want to speed is because it’s against the law. And when you break the law, you get pulled over. When you get pulled over for breaking the law, you get a ticket. When you get a ticket for getting pulled over for breaking the law, you have to pay a fine to the state. And you know what I say about that? screw giving them any more of my hardly earned money. I will not give the state another penny extra over what I’m required by law to do annually. I would like to keep my money, thank you very much.
Another thing you need to know about driving is that, well, if you follow those first two rules you should be all right. Drive defensively and every single accident can be avoided. Even the ones that aren’t your fault! Seriously. I believe that. But the final rule to driving and surviving is very simple. Don’t be a douche.
Don’t be the guy who won’t let someone in if their lane is ending, or they realized last-minute they’re in the turn only lane. Unless of course they blow all the way to the cones before they start trying to get over. Those assholes need to be buried alive in a casket full of fireants and yellowjackets. And in that case, they’re being the douches anyway, so you don’t have to worry about being one by not letting them in. And don’t be the douche who thinks you’re better than everybody else because you drive a gigantic diesel pickup with crash bars the size of telephone poles who rides people’s asses. You get right up on my ass, I don’t care what you’re driving, I will brake check you in my tiny little Kia Rio.
And let me issue a statement here for the record, as well. I don’t care how big billy bad ass you think you are in that big ass pickup truck, if you decide to ride my ass and something happens, you can’t stop, you hit me and you injure my red-haired wife of one of my kids… I will kill you. No trial, no jury, no care for what becomes my fate. I will kill you on the side of the highway. So yeah, don’t be that guy. Don’t be a douche.
In closing, there is just one more point I’d like to make about driving. Men, pay attention, women you can skip this paragraph. Always keep your steering wheel as high on its pivot as possible whenever a woman is riding bitch in your vehicle. You always want to be ready and prepared if she suddenly needs to ‘duck’.