Have you ever heard of the Bacon Paradox? Actually, I think the The is capitalized, so it would technically read, The Bacon Paradox. And since the The is capitalized and part of the title, it would be appropriate in its proper noun sense to refer to it as the The Bacon Paradox. In which case, you should then go ahead and capitalize the first the, e.g. The The Bacon Paradox. You obviously then add another the, it becomes capitalized, and so on, ad nauseum.

Yeah. Sort of like the TTR report, in which the acronym formally stands for “The TTR Report”. Figure that one out.

Anyway, I think I was asking you if you had heard of the The Bacon Paradox. It goes something like this: there is never enough bacon.

Ahem. No, yeah, no, that’s it. Yeah. Seriously. I know, it doesn’t really sound like a paradox since there’s no circular argument – so it’s really kind of more like hasty generalization, right? But that’s it in its simple beautiful complete form: there is never enough bacon.

Applied, you can consider the times when you’ve eaten a plateful of eggs, pancakes, toast and bacon, with maybe a couple of biscuits and gravy on the side, and you try to take even bites of everything. So for every bite of egg you drop onto a corner of toast, you also take a bite of biscuity gravy goodness, and for every bite of buttery syrupy pancake hotness, you grab a bite of bacon. Now, the paradox comes into play whenever one of two things happens:

1. Every food item is finished together, without a significant portion of any one item being left, requiring more than one more bite
2. Some food items have been finished, but there are still significant portions of at least one of the food items on the plate

So as you can see, it doesn’t matter the situation, the principle applies in each of the two scenarios: there is never enough bacon. Finish all your food nicely and togetherly? Not enough bacon. Finish everything in a mad dash to get it all down your gullet? Not enough bacon. And this goes back to the Julius Bacone IV Philosophy, founded in 1554, where King Bacone himself said, “You always want at least one more bite of bacon.”

We here at the Brew believe strongly in this philosophy, and practice it. As you’ve seen by now, there’s a new bacon talk category here on the site. Remember the popular Saturday-morning show called “Coffee Talk”? Well, this is like Coffee Talk, but with Bacon too. Haycomet and I sit down with a couple of mugs of black coffee and a plate of steaming bacon between us and talk about whatever pops into our heads. Every Friday.

The reason this paradox is so uniquely intriguing is because it always holds true, no matter what you throw at it. Scientists have been trying for over a hundred years to disprove this theorem, and always end up shaking their heads, walking away and buying themselves a thick red box full of bacon to wallow in their failure and misery.

Bacon, as you can see, holds a large place in my heart. Which is why my doctor says I need a lot more salad and exercise in my diet. In fact, he said, as much as forty percent of my heart is bacon. Yes I do plan to eat a Bacon Bacon-Bacon BaconBurger someday, yes I enjoy Kevin Bacon movies, I happen to know a guy who owns a jar of squeeze bacon, and I love my wife’s bakin’. Ahem.

The Bacon Bacon-Bacon BaconBurger is where you ground up a pound of bacon and mush it into a patty in much the same way as you would prepare a beef burger patty. You then throw this baconpatty on the grill and let it get going. As it’s approaching its desired temperature, you throw a few strips of bacon on it. Once that finishes, you throw it all on a nice burger bun, add some Bacon Bits, and top it off with a nice slathering of bacon ranch dressing. And the bun, of course, is Bacon Bread. You know, instead of little bits of opium or garlic onion, there are chunks of bacon on top. This is a guaranteed heartstopper. But yes, dear readers, I someday (when I’m in a lot better shape; disaster preparedness, you understand) will eat one. I will have a difibrilator near when I do.

So now that you have heard of the The Bacon Paradox, I would like to ask you to go home and put it to the test. See if the next time you fill a plate with skunk liver and raccoon testicles with a side of bacon, well, just see if you don’t run out of bacon. You might scoop up the last bite of your pinto beans and newt bowels and go to pop a piece of bacon in your mouth as a taste finisher. And it won’t be there. Then you will have witnessed firsthand, the effects of the The Bacon Paradox. You will have seen that indeed, there really is, never enough bacon.