Bacon Talk: Cell Phones

Good morning, Haycomet. That’s a very nice bonnet you have on! How’s your bacon? I’ve been really enjoying these little Friday-morning Bacon Talk get-togethers. It’s a great way to start the day, and I always know my weekend will get a little bit better jump start.

Well this morning, I’ve been thinking about connectedness… again… And I started getting a little uncomfortable. Again. Yes, every time I think about how connected we are as a society and as a people, I get a little sad inside. And it’s not because I fear technology, but rather, I fear our dependence on it. Gone are the days when I could leave the house without a phone and access to my six email accounts, facebook, my website, my bank account and my stock portfolio. And just being sad or uncomfortable about it doesn’t seem to be enough. It won’t spur me into changing my ways and leaving the house technologically naked. And for good cause, too. I’m expected to be connected for work as well.  So how connected are you?

Compared to you Space, I’m out of the loop.  This bonnet is quite fitting, because I might as well be living in a little house on a prairie.  I have a candy-bar-style cell phone for calls and texts, and that is it.  No touch screens, no G4, just the bare essentials; it doesn’t even announce its name randomly like Siege’s phone.  I never hear it say, “Fifty-three ten Xpress” in a cool android voice… bummer.
It’s funny that you want to talk about this though, because I was just thinking about how much phone technology has changed since I was in college.  I had a brick for a phone and the majority of it was the battery; it even had one of those nifty pull-out antennas.  I think I used it three times before my pay-ahead minutes expired.  Today, even though I have a simple phone, I still have to make sure it’s with me at all times.  I do feel “naked” if I leave home without it.  In fact, that phone is the sole reason why I don’t leave my house naked.  Where would I put my phone?!!  Don’t answer that, Space.
I think I have a love-hate relationship with cell phones.  I love the convenience and the fact that I can call my husband if I have a flat tire, but it’s all of the other dumb asses with cell phones that stokes the hate part.  The people who text while behind the wheel, or drive slower while simply talking on the phone. Oh, and I despise the headsets.  I think they are a great idea while driving, but I get people who walk by me and say, “HI!!” and when I respond with, “Hey!!” they get all snippy because I was supposed to know they were talking to someone through the dang headset.   Does that ever happen to you, Space?  Is there anything that you hate about cell phones?

Yes, you are indeed very old-school when it comes to phone tech. Chick making it in the oughts? Check. Hi-tech job providing technical support to people who don’t have any business using high-tech equipment? Check. Carries her own handgun? Check? Completely, therefore, awesome? Check. But she carries a cell phone that only makes calls? :?
Well, there’s really nothing wrong with that. And I bet I would much prefer your phone bill over mine. Two hundred bucks a month for two phones is a little on the ridiculous side, and I hate that I allow myself to pay it. So yeah, that’s one thing I hate about them. They’re so damn expensive. Well, the service is. And yes, I also hate people who drive with them rather than their steering wheels. I don’t have a problem with someone making a phone call while they’re driving. But those people who suddenly seem to forget they’re behind the wheel of a steel death machine? Yeah. They should have their phones taken away and placed somewhere we don’t talk about on this here family site.
I have several times tried to get involved in a conversation with a hot chick at a store or something only to find out I wasn’t the man to whom she was talking. It’s always good for a funny look, or sometimes a pitiful one as they eye you up and down, acting like, “Oh, you didn’t know? Well can’t you see I’m a hundred times more important than you? Because if you could see that, you’d surely realize that of course I have a bluetooth headset on, and you would know I wasn’t talking to your scrub ass!”  Well I’m going to start walking around acting like I have a bluetooth in my ear. One that they can’t see. And when these bitches look at me funny when I think they were talking to me, I’ll just send it right back at them. And when they say, “Hang on a sec, Bobby, ahem. I’m sorry, I was talking on the phone.” I’ll be like, “Excuse me? Oh, wait, hang on a sec, three hot girls in the hot tub waiting at home for me, who sent me to the store to get chocolate syrup, beer and extra large condoms, there’s a woman here who obviously thought I was talking to her just now. How sweet.”
So I mentioned in yesterday’s column, “I have the beat wife ever.” that it’s hard to type on those new smart phones that don’t even have keypads. It’s just little on-screen graphical representations of keys, and they’re not really very accurate – hence the title of the column, as well as its inspiration. My red-haired wife had posted a Facebook message saying I was the “Beat Husband Ever”. So that’s an award to which I feel I’d never have been entitled had she not been typing it on a cell phone. Do you have any funny anecdotes or catchphrases that originated because of a fat-fingered text or something on a cell phone?

I received a text from a friend one time that is so awesome I have saved it for over a year.  It said, “Punch me diapers make to a cake.”  That was her answer to my question, “A diaper cake?  Is that a cake made to look like a diaper, or diapers made to look like a cake?”  She had intended to type, “Bunch of diapers made into a cake.”  She also sent me a text that said, “Glad you enjoyed my sin.”  Whoa… what?  She had invited us over for noodle soup, so she meant pho instead of sin.  In both cases, she didn’t press the buttons enough times to get to the correct letters.  Oh, that reminds me Space, do you use predictive text?  I only use it once in a while; it seems to be more of a hindrance to me than it is helpful.

Yes I do use it, because for the most part it always gets right the word I wanted to type. There have been many times I’ve sent the wrong word though, and what’s funny is that the letters of my first name line up with the letters of the word ‘Asian’. So many times I’ve texted people whom I know don’t have my number, and said, “Hey this is Asian, what’s up?” I get the equivalent of SMS blank stares for that one.
Mmm, this is good bacon.
Well, I think this topic is one that’s easily beat to death, so I’d like to go ahead and put down the club and step away from the dead horse.  But I will leave you with a final thought: if in the past we didn’t even have cell phones, in the present we do – and cannot live without them, e.g. leaving the house with them – then what does the future hold for phonal technology? Any thoughts on that?

Hmmm, I would like to see phones project holograms like R2D2. Oh, better than that…I want phones to be R2. Not full size, just little, so it can still fit in my bag. And I don’t mean “android” like the cruddy crap-orola brand phones, I want a real astromech droid that makes phone calls. If I accidentally leave it somewhere, the little “phone2D2” would make cool little beep noises and follow after me. How kick-ass would that be?!

Cruddy phones huh? Perhaps you haven’t met me. Yeah that would be cool. You know he was awarded the Moon’s Crater Fearless Droid Award back in 1999 right? Yeah I’m still trying to forget that too.

All right friends, we’ll see you next week when we talk about mosquitos, French Fries and the little black bugs you always see on the bathroom floor. Have a good weekend!

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4 Responses

  1. Siege says:

    You mean my phone has a voice-chat type feature?

  2. Space says:

    Now yours may or may not, Siege. Check your owner’s manual for details.

  3. Jeremy says:

    Carrying my iphone keeps me from having to carry around a laptop, a notepad, pen, camera, address book, mapsco, and Sony walk man. So I don’t mind being “connected.”

  4. Becky Riles says:

    So when are you gonna start inviting fans to come to your Bacon Talk shows?

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