Have you ever gone through your closet and just looked at some of the clothing you have in there, realizing that some of it is actually quite old? Well I did this the other day. I looked through all my nice clothing, all the Structure and Z Cavaricci fashion I have hanging on my closet poles, and realized that I haven’t bought new clothing in quite some time. Now I have plenty of new t-shirts. Seriously. But yeah, my double-belted purple slacks and other fine couture articles have been hanging in my closet now for close to fifteen years. I clearly needed to go shopping.
I mean, don’t get me wrong – I’m not wasteful. I will still wear my purple Z Cavs on occasion, because they still look really good. I only wear them on special occasions – not when I’m changing my oil or digging French drains in the backyard. So there’s no point in getting rid of them. But I felt like I could treat myself to some new fashion. It’s been a long time. It’s time for a trip to the shopping mall.
I went to the Vista Ridge Mall and looked for the male clothing outlet that best suited (zing!) my style. I found it rather quickly, on the second floor. It was called Fashionable Male. It was sandwiched right between JT’s Famous Pretzels (I’ve never heard of ’em) and Metrosexuale. And I began looking at some really hot stuff. Trust me ladies, this shit looks hot on my buns.
So this chick is helping me try on shoes, and she’s down there with her blouse just hanging open while she messes with my laces, and she’s jiggling about like a plate of soft vanilla yogurt. She caught me looking several times and smirked. I just smiled and thanked her for the show. Ended up buying the shoes, too. But I had to try on like twenty-five pairs just to make sure I had the right fit. You know, wanted her to feel like she was really helping me out.
Anyway, the weirdest thing happened to me when I finally went into the dressing room to try on a new super cute outfit she had helped me pick out. It was a brown top with some light brown fancy artwork on the front and some really nice hip-hugging jeans, and a slick pair of silk boxers that say, “Talk to the Elephant” on them. I get completely undressed and get ready to put on the boxers, when all of a sudden, the door opens.
I’m standing there naked as a fresh piece of pine, and this chick backs up into the dressing room. Didn’t even look in there first. She’s on the phone, of course. And I didn’t want to interrupt her phone call. So I waited patiently while she got undressed completely – all the time with her back toward me and completely oblivious to my presence at all. I guess she was going to try on some bras and panties. I have never seen someone get undressed and remove her bra with one hand attached to a phone, which is in turn attached to her head. It was quite remarkable. Well, needless to say, I got a little excited, and by the time she finally turned sideways and saw me in the mirror, it was quite a bit like someone had just stolen my flag.
She shrieked and jumped back, trying to cover herself with her arms, and never letting go of the phone. She said into the phone, “Oh my God, there’s some dude standing in here naked in my dressing room!” So I quickly corrected her. “Lady, I was in here first. This is my dressing room!” Well, to make a long story short, she apologized, realizing her mistake, and we just shared the small space. I even helped her with her unmentionables.
But yeah, so I bought several nice new things, which I will be rolling out to show off to the public here over the next few weeks. I’ve never been a guy who really pays attention to the brand names. And I hate t-shirts that say the brand on them, like “what’s that damn store’s name? Dude, kill the quotes for a second” I’m trying to remember the store name. I know one is “Aeropostale”. And the other one I hate with a damn vehement passion is “Hollister”. I can’t tell you how badly I hate that shit. And people wear it because they think it makes them look cool. Tell me, since when did it become cool to wear something thats sole purpose is to advertise itself? Like Hollister came in from nowhere, with a whole line of clothing advertising the Hollister name, like it was already an established, awesome brand to advertise. No. It’s not. And it’s still not. And people who wear it usually look like douchebags. I won’t even get into the Affliction wear.
I think Diesel can get away with it, because let’s face it: that’s just a tough damn word. You could wear “DIESEL” or “TRACTOR” or “GIGANTIC STEEL BULLDOZER” on your chest and everyone would automatically think you’re cool. But if the name of the clothing is just a company name, how does it ever get cool?
I also don’t like wearing shirts that say shit like, “Puerto Vallarta, Mexico” and “Little Rock, Arkansas” on them. Seriously? How can that ever be cool? Even if I went there, I wouldn’t feel like I needed to advertise it. But especially if I didn’t go there. Like my mom goes to Jamaica and brings me back a souvenir shirt. So I’m going to walk around wearing a t-shirt that says, “Ya Mon!” on it. Really?
I do like shirts that send a message. Like I have one that’s pretty subtle. It has a funny smiley face on it, and says, “Boobies Make Me Smile”. Another of my favorites says, “Ladies, I Am Hung Like An Ox.” That’s a pretty popular one, though still pretty subtle. I won’t, however, wear one that says something like, “I’m With Stupid”, because then you have to be constantly conscious of where you’re standing in relation to where “stupid” is. Another I shy away from is one with any number of cutesy phrases on it, such as: Frank and Beans, It’s Not A Bald Spot, Prose Before Hos, or Farfrompuken. Yeah, that went out around the same time as “Where’s The Beef?” (And how the hell did that ever hit meme status anyway?
There are many reasons why it’s okay to wear a t-shirt that has an orange planet on it, with a coffee mug in the negative space. SpaceBrew is a household name that has built a reputation over the last many years. You’ve all come to love and trust the brand name, and know that anytime you come here, you can find some good reading material for the toilet, your coffee reading time, or something to guide your conversation the next time you have a plate full of bacon. So if you want to look cool, not look like a douche bag, and know that you’re advertising for a good cause (we support breast awareness), then go grab yourself a SpaceBrew T-Shirt today.