So what do we do now that the world didn’t end when it was supposed to? Well, I imagine a lot of people will be saying the same thing when December 13, 2012 rolls around. They’ll throw up their hands and say, “Uh, what do we do now? Yesterday was supposed to be it!” And what’s funny is I know some actual people who were preparing themselves for the world to end the other day, when they turned on the large collider. It was thought that it would create some black holes, you know. And the scientists said, “Yeah, well it could, but we’ll be able to manage them.”
So you have experience with black holes then? You’ve managed them before? You can somehow keep them from sucking in whatever you’re trying to control them with? Uh huh. Just push it into the trash can? Or wait, do you use another black hole to eat up the one that’s causing problems? How, exactly, tell me please, do you plan to control these black holes that might abound? Well, anyway, I’ve gotten off point. There was a lot of fear that the world would end when they switched this thing on. People were even protesting, trying to get the project shut down so it wouldn’t evaporate our world as we know it. Well they didn’t succeed. The thing is now running. And the world, so far as I know, is still here.
What do you think of all this, Shine?
Well I, for one, had packed up all my belongings. I hired a moving truck, ya know? In a previous life I had constructed an underground-black-hole-oops shelter. Sort of like the bomb shelters you see all those paranoid people still living in today. Only my shelter was better. Black hole-proof. It’s so simple, see? If a black hole were to run amuck and swallow up our galaxy, I’d be prepared. With two of each kind of animal, of course. And a stack of reading material. I don’t think the internet will still be up and running if the whole galaxy were to cease to exist. I’ll check with Al Gore and get back to you on that one. But suffice to say, I’d need my own porn.
So I packed up, hired the moving truck, put my dog in the car, and set off for the shelter. I got myself all comfy-cozy in some sweat pants and a sweatshirt. It gets cold in the shelter. Picked up a book and started reading, prepared to wait for the end. I waited and waited and waited. And waited. I decided to peak my head out to see what space looks like all close up (I mean actual space in the sky, duh. Not Space your favorite writer.). Surely the black holes must have gobbled up everything else by now, right?
Across from me, I still saw the same 7-11, not even a new-fangled space variety. Nothing had changed. Apparently, this fancy schmancy collider only really creates small-ish black holes. Not the galaxy-swallowing variety. These minute black holes evaporate quickly before they can suck up our iPhones, iPods, digital cameras, laptops, blow-up dolls, and the like. Apparently, we were never in any danger at all. This is especially true since they won’t even turn the thing all the way on for another two months. I’m going to go unpack.
Next time you people want to get all worked up over something like black holes swallowing up the universe, count me out. I hate packing. If the scientists standing next to the thing aren’t scared, I’m not scared.
I’m with you there, Shine. If they have people walking around checking on this thing while it’s running, they have to be in more danger than we are. Well, actually I heard that while it’s running (the whole thing is underground) it puts off so much radiation that it would kill you if you went in there with it. Someone asked if it would vaporize you, and one of the scientists said, “No, it probably wouldn’t vaporize you, but it would definitely kill you. Immediately.” So it’s still dangerous.
Oh well, so we got worked up for nothing. And now that the world didn’t end, what do we do now? This will always be the day remembered as the day the world didn’t end. Oh well. Maybe next time.