Bacon Talk: Pirates

Good morning fans of the bacon! Let’s talk about pirates! Well, I guess I need to specify since there seems to be so many different definitions for the word these days. One, for instance, means ‘someone who copies and resells media for a profit’. Another means, literally, ‘someone who climbs on board and takes someone’s ship by force’. But the kind of pirates we want to talk about today are the third definition in Merriam Webster’s Seriously Revised Dictionary of Words for 2011’s New Edition of Vocabulary. Yes, that definition is ‘someone who has a peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and quite possibly an eyepatch’. That’s the cool kind of pirate.

My wife and I, for the last two years on our Florida trips, have gone on the pirate ship cruise down at John’s Pass. See, I say that my wife and I went on it. Well, of course the kids went too, but we really just took them because we couldn’t find a babysitter. And no one gets more into the pirate talk and grabbing the ladies’ booty than me.
But what else is there to do? My town has Pirate Days once a year. Is there anything going on in your town to pay homage and respect to the good old-fashioned pirate?

No, unfortunately not in my town, but I do mark National Talk Like a Pirate Day on my calendar. That’s every year on September nineteenth. There doesn’t have to be a special day or parade going on for my family and me to start acting or talking like pirates. Halloween is definitely always open for pirate garb however. Space, have you ever dressed up like a pirate?

Space PirateFor the last two Halloweens, I’ve dressed as a pirate. I also won most original costume at the company costume party for mine. I think I have a picture here too. See? This is me with Michelle, my buddy’s wife, about two or three years ago. We went to a parrrty! And what it is is that since people call me Space, and I’m dressed as a Pirate, you can sort of make the argument that a connection can somehow be made to call me a Space Pirate and everyone is okay with it. Shrug. Have you ever dressed as a pirate for Halloween?

Oh yes, twice. Over five years ago, Byronic and I both dressed as pirates and went to a Halloween concert with friends at a local bar. Then after that I wore the same costume plus a new hat to a friend’s Halloween party. If dressing up as a pirate wasn’t great enough, I also won a bottle of wine for having the sexiest costume. Oh! I have a picture too!

Yeah that is pretty hot. Not really all that piratey, you know. But I guess we’ve gotten more liberal in our definition of what a pirate wench can look like. Speaking of wenches, since Byronic and I work together now, we get to talk pretty frequently. And one thing Byronic is always talking about is how he loves your booty. Can you tell us about this supposedly awesome booty? Feel free to provide pictures and whatnot.

Yes, my booty is awesome. I ran out though. The first time we dressed as pirates, I did carry it around in a little pouch. Byronic did too. We took the money we planned on spending that night and cashed it in at the bank for gold doubloons, well, the bank kept calling them Sacagawea Golden Dollars, but whatever. Everyone we gave our booty to thought it was great. They had their hands all over it.
Space, I think we should mention something very important. I am the Director of Ninja Pirates around here. I mean, someone has to be; there are quite a few of them. Of course one cannot tell there are ninja pirates here because well… they’re stealthy. Hence the name ninja pirates. Do not for any reason mistake them for pirate ninjas. Pirate ninjas are just ninjas that wear eye patches. Wearing an eye patch is not a good thing for a ninja; it screws up their peripheral vision. So pirate ninjas equal lame ninjas. You can take the meaning of lame in both ways.
For years there has been the whole pirate versus ninja argument. Even though the answer is obvious, I have to ask you anyway. Who would win in a fight, a pirate or a ninja, and why?

Well maybe I missed the memo, Haycomet. Because I don’t know the ‘obvious’ answer, apparently. There’s nothing obvious about it to me, in fact. I think that being a pirate myself, I would win in a fight against most ninjas I encounter, but under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t pair a ninja off to fight a pirate. It’s sort of like gas and oil. They don’t exist in the same plain of – well, of existence. I can’t ever really see one running into the other.
A ninja usually has long fingernails, under which he will tuck poison and dog shit and all other types of bad stuff to cause infection when he scratches you. Well, a pirate has a hook. Ninjas have throwing stars and nunchucks. Pirates have pistols and scimitars. Shrug. I guess we need some education here, Hay. Who is the obvious winner?

Pffft! The pirate of course; ninjas may play dirty, but pirates do too. Ninjas have shuriken but pirates have the blunderbuss and are ruthless.
A matching I would not have considered is the pirate against a knight, unil I watched a staged battle between pirates and knights. There were experts in weaponry for both sides, and each demonstrated the weapons and how they would have been used in a fight. A computer programmer then created a program that would take all of details about knights and pirates and run several “fights” between the two, and the calculations came to the conclusion that a pirate would win against a knight as well.
Pirates are just awesome overall. You have a weird definition of a real pirate, Space. It’s not all about the patch, hook, and peg leg. Don’t feed into the stereotypes. A pirate is all about swarthiness, cunning, and determination.
What is it that you like about pirates? Which pirate from a movie do you identify with the most: Errol Flynn in Captain Blood or Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carribbean?

Neither. Johnny Depp was good in Pirates, but that’s such a cookie-cutter, Disneyfied version of a pirate that it’s not even worth watching. And Flynn was too clean-cut and gentleman-like in Captain Blood to be taken seriously. I won’t define my piratehood with a movie, thank you very much. Let’s just say that I know how to get my hands on the booty, and I know what to do with it once I’ve got it.
Oh, oh, you know what else I like? You mentioned doubloons. I have a whole bag of actual pirate doubloons from the 14- and 1500s. Very awesome collection. And just holding them and pouring them through your fingers just makes you feel cool. I love them even though they’re replicas. If you’ve never played a game of pirate dice with actual replica doubloons as the booty, then you’ve never lived the pirate life!
Well I think that about patches up our pirate talk for the week. Sorry it took so long to get it posted, friends. We’ve been up to a little skullduggery this morning and had to postpone the bacon. Have a good weekend, and we’ll see you Monday, bucaneers!


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1 Response

  1. SahSah says:

    you have been a pirate for many a year now me matey – I clearly remember the eye patch – it was flesh colored as I recall as to not give away your secret priate identity at such a young age

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