I’m not real proud of myself right now.

For one who considers himself on top of the technology game, I sure did just pull a major blunder. Now I don’t purport to know everything about everything, or everything about all the new tech coming out, but I do keep up with it fairly well. I stay abreast (God I love that word) of all the latest schlit coming out and I’m pretty well aware of the value of technology. I guess maybe I just lost a little of my touch. Or went dumb for a minute.

You remember my talking about getting rid of my iPhone, right? Yeah. I wanted to sell it. Then I decided to keep it. Then I thought maybe I should sell it. I went back and forth like a bi-curious virgin trying to decide which orientation to break chastity with. I know, that was a poorly worded sentence, and I ended on a preposition – but I thought the analogy was worth it. And speaking of analogies… Well, let’s just stick with the story.

Anyway, I haven’t been using it as a phone since I dumped AT&T like a bad case of Monday-morning leftovers in a dirty gas station toilet. You like that one? Yeah, see, I’m making these up as I go along. So I’ve really just been using the iPhone as an iPod. And really not even that that much. I don’t like using the word that twice in a row in a sentence. I used the sixteen gigabytes of space on it to store about fifteen point five gigabytes of music, and some apps. Namely, the DS Audio app, which connected directly to my network storage device and gave me access to all twenty-something thousand of my songs. And I’ve only really used it for that like twice in the last six months. I take it to my Pop’s house on the weekends and we listen to tunes while we’re swimming. But really? I’m not using it enough to warrant keeping it, when I could sell it and get a little cash to keep up my hobby of collecting miniature kitten skulls. And now, finally, to the point of the column. I had to add a little filler to catch you up, and to bring this column up to standard, which is around seven hundred words or so. And there’s your opening three paragraphs.

So I posted an ad on Craig’s List tonight after about thirty seconds of research. And what I researched was how much they were going for. Damn prepositions keep getting the last word in. I saw one posting that mentioned selling two iPhones similar to mine, for $200 total. So I thought, okay, I can probably get a hundred bucks for it. The problem is, well mine is a 3G, it’s in perfect condition (because I take extreme care of my schlit), and it’s a sixteen-gig model. Not the gay ass default eight-gig everyone bought just so they could have an iPhone. I bought with storage in mind. Sigh. So I listed it for $125. With the original box. And earbuds never removed from their plastic wrap. And the cable. And instruction book. And that little tool you use to remove your SIM card. And an Encase hardshell case. Son of a bitch, I got raped!

Basically the entire point of this column was to tell you how stupid I was. After posting it, I received twenty-eight replies from people who really (really) wanted to rape me. I thought I was hot schlit. I called one guy who said he would buy it tonight, made arrangements, then went to a buddy’s house while I waited for the buyer to get off work. At my buddy’s house, another buddy told me I could have gotten three hundred for it. Fifty dollars more than twice what I asked. What a marvelous idiot I was! But I have too much integrity to call off the deal since I already told the guy I’d meet him. So I met him, and I got the money, and I didn’t have to shoot anybody. But I still got raped.

The question comes down to this: would I rather have an iPhone that I use as an iPod (and only very seldom at that) or a hundred and twenty-five bucks in my pocket? Well, right now I’d rather have the iPhone. So I could sell it for the proper amount. And have three hundred or thereabouts in my pocket. Oh well.

The love-hate relationship is finally over. I parted with my dear SpacePod tonight. I won’t kick myself in the ass for too long over this, because I can use the money. If I only would have gone to my buddy’s house before I posted the ad, I would be telling you about the awesome deal I just made and how smart I am for knowing how much technology is worth.

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2 Responses

  1. SahSah says:

    Is there some kind of mourning memorial we could hold to help ease the transition from iPhone owner to rape victim? I’ll bring the beer?

  2. Haycomet says:

    With all of that music already loaded, I would have kept the iPhone. And there’s your comment.

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