I was going to write this column yesterday, but got really busy and didn’t end up having time. And now, it seems that delay might have been serendipitous, at least in that I might use fewer curse words in my text. You see, my faith in humanity has once again plummeted. Which is odd on the whole, when you consider the fact that it was already so low as to be considered subterranean. In fact it hit the base rock and got out an auger long, long ago. But you know, that’s the great thing about humanity: it never fails to amaze me with how shitty it can get!
But like I said, I’m glad I ended up waiting, because something terribly awesome happened last night that restored a little tiny bit of that faith. That faith in humanity is strengthened when you realize there are businesses out there made up of human beings who care about people. Or at least they care about money and are so good at making it that they can afford to give away free stuff. Like laptops. Yes, I am, in fact, writing this on my new Google Chrome CR-48 laptop. Thank you for asking. It just arrived on my doorstep last night. I had even forgotten I signed up to be in the pilot program. Yes. Google sent me a free laptop. And it’s probably the most awesome notebook I’ve ever seen. Slicker than whale snot on an ice rink.
Anyway, yeah, this column was about how much I hate humanity. Not how much I love Google. And it mostly revolves around the idiot asshole cobblers who get so into football that they treat it like it’s actually important. Now don’t get me wrong: I enjoy football. I love having my Cowboys Crew over at the Space Bar where we all sit around and drink beer and watch the game. Every Cowboys game of the season. I’ve even been known to say a curse word when someone jumps offside, or fumbles a ball. I have also been known to jump up and shout, high-fiving my pals when we score (which is quite rare, in fact). But I don’t really think it’s all that important.
For instance: if I had a thousand bucks in my wallet right now (which I do, but let’s say I didn’t, so we can say I do…) and I had the choice on what I would like to spend it on, I would not choose a ticket to the Super Bowl. Maybe if the Cowboys were in it, that would be cool. And maybe worth it for the experience. But I can’t see it being something I wouldn’t totally regret right after the game. Walking out into the parking lot and taking the tram back to Oklahoma to get in my car so I can drive home, I would start thinking, “Was that really money well spent? I mean, I have nothing to show for it.” No.
Now inherently I don’t have any real problem with people who spend a thousand dollars on a ticket. If you have the money and that’s where your priorities line up, then good on ya, mate. That’s fine. But if you (or anyone you know) paid 900 dollars to park your car, you are a world-class idiot. And no, I don’t want to hear all the “Well I just incur that into the cost of the game, and it’s justified!” excuses. Because no. Seriously, if anyone thinks a parking spot anywhere in the world is really worth almost a grand, you should be meloned.
What saddens me is that it’s a vicious circle. Like a catch-22. If people weren’t idiots and weren’t willing to pay that exorbitant amount, they wouldn’t charge it! They’d get no money so they’d lower the price to something at least in the same galaxy as reasonable. I think 50 bucks is fair. It’s still high for parking, but for the Super Bowl, sure, you can call that part of the cost. No problem. But 900? Go cobble yourself!
And let’s not forget about the 1200 people who didn’t get their seats. The seats they paid for. It was more important for Jerry Jones to break the all-time attendance record than to actually give people a good memorable experience. Some of those seats those people had to move to were so high that they couldn’t see the other end zone. Because the ridiculous Idiocracy score board was in the way. Did he really think people would respect that record anyway, if you count people standing outside the stadium watching televisions as attendance? Seriously, there aren’t enough pixels available on your monitor for me to make a rolleyes smiley large enough to adequately describe this greed and idiocracy. People who take football (or anything, for that matter) that seriously should be meloned.
Sigh. Okay, I’m calm again. I just remembered that I have a thousand-dollar notebook here that I got for free. Google saves the day. Or they saved me. You might, then, call Google the Great Space Saver.