It’s been a long time since we actually went to a theater to watch a movie – and I’ve never been to Studio Movie Grill. But that sounds like exactly the kind of place I should be going to watch a movie. They serve beer. Nothing further, your honor. So I took the red-haired wife to see The Adjustment Bureau. Let me tell you a little bit about it.

If you were to write down exactly what I typically look for in a movie, you might get something pretty close to the script for this movie. I mean, on paper, this is exactly the kind of stuff I want to see on film! A behind-the-scenes group who makes sure things stay on the right path, and controls the outcome of events… The ability to open any door in the city and have it take them anywhere they want to go… Wow. Dude, are you sure I didn’t write this script myself?

Unfortunately, that’s about where it ends though. I mean, it’s a love story, which I’m not opposed to as a rule, but I’m getting so tired of Hollywood love stories. Every single movie is a love story. Every time the guy gets the girl. Every time the good-guy wins. Really, Hollywood? Is that the best you can come up with? Why can’t we have a movie where the protagonist is motivated by something other than love? Seriously, it’s getting old. Because every time we catch on that love is taking over the plot, we all know the outcome. Happy ending.

Anyway, being that this is a love story, and I use the word ‘love’ loosely, you know the ending. You see it coming. Even when he’s told to leave her alone. And then he decides he’s going to go after her. And then they remind him to leave her alone, so he does. And then he changes his mind and decides to go after her. Again. Sigh. Come on, Matt Damon! I wanted it to be that all your movies were great! Well, besides The Informant! That shouldn’t have been made. At least not with him in it.

I can’t say I hated this movie. I enjoyed it. I sat through the whole thing, and was interested, but I felt like it was a laborious plot, pulled down by the forced chemistry of two actors trying to make a love story when it just isn’t real. One kiss and they’re madly in love, willing to risk life and limb for each other? Dude, that’s not how it works. I mean, if Bridget Moynahan came up and kissed me one time, I would probably sell my family jewels to hit the sack with her. But if the Adjustment Bureau told me to stay away from her or bad stuff would happen, uh… Peace out, Bridget.

That’s I guess the whole point of the whole thing. When you make a movie where the characters are driven by love, it’s rarely going to be realistic. I mean Leonardo and Kate in Titanic seemed pretty realistic. He had nowhere else to go. Sure, it happened quickly, but it doesn’t feel forced. That’s the exception. If two people have to act like they’re in love, and the love is based on this one time he saw her at a bar and just knew she was the one and now wants to have her children… Dude. It doesn’t really happen that way.

The alternative is that they don’t have time to tell the whole love story because there’s too much other plot that needs to be explained. So they rush through the love part of it. Well, being a dude, I’m okay with that. I don’t really want to watch 70 minutes of on-screen love (unless it’s Heather Graham and it’s the naked kind of love) just to get to where I believe it’s real. On the other hand though, if it’s an unlikely circumstance that brings these two together, I need to see enough to make it believable. Well this movie doesn’t quite show enough. One, Emily Blunt is not that hot. And B, I’ve kissed women I didn’t know before. It didn’t make me want to risk my life to be with them.

Okay, so the rest of the story was okay, but it just felt a little weak. Like something was missing. They could have put in a little more of the cool stuff, like opening a door in a subway and walking out into the outfield of Yankees stadium. That’s bad ass, right there. Give me more of that. Give me more sci in my fi, if you know what I mean. There just wasn’t enough to support this phony love story, in my opinion, and I came away feeling a little cheated.

So bottom line (besides that this is the worst movie review ever) is that you’ll probably want to see this, but I’d wait and Netflix it. I give it 3.5 stars. IMDB gives it a 7.2, so I guess I’m right on par with them. Good acting, potential to be a great storyline, story pretty well told… An altogether ‘meh’ kind of movie. Now, if the unrated director’s cut comes out and Emily shows her cans, I think I could bump it to 4 stars. But for now, two thumbs sideways.