It’s finally here, friends: that time of year when we leave for the Big Penis. That’s right, the continental fallus we like to call “Florida”. My red-haired wife and I have gone every year for the last three years. This will make our fourth trip together. And the only difference between this trip and the previous three years is that we aren’t taking the kids. I figure they’re old enough to stay at home and take care of themselves.

My buddy Christian is in town from Omaha, and has been staying with us since Saturday. So he’s gonna hang in the house until we get back. Works out perfectly. You see, I like having someone stay in my house so I won’t feel bad about leaving the fridge plugged in and the air conditioner running.

Anyway, we’ll be heading out Friday morning. So we shall be sitting on the beach under an umbrella with a bucket of Cold Coronas between us by noon. While all you cobblers are at work grinding it out. Vacations are always so much better when they start on a Friday. Oh – and I’m guessing you did the math already, but this year we’re flying. That’s right, friends, our driving days are over. Driving to Florida is one of the fastest ways on the planet to drain your life force. Well, not really fast – there’s nothing fast about it. But you get my point.

I plan to document, journal, photograph and video our trip, so there will be plenty of updates coming your way from the beach. We’ll be staying at a beach house that’s literally two blocks from the beach. Every morning, we’ll load up the little red wagon with umbrellas, chairs and beer, and walk down to the edge of the world to sit in the sun all day. Well, I will be under the comfortable shade of the umbrella all day, so as not to catch on fire. And perhaps the most comforting part of sitting on the beach all day is that if you have to pee, you just wade down into the water and let it rip.

We will be doing the pirate ship cruise again this year, even though we don’t have the little ones. I think we have more fun on it than they do anyway. After all, there is a bar in the middle of the boat, and they serve free beer. Most of the other adults typically sit around the edges and take in the scenery of the inner-coastal. We stand at the bar, drink the suds and converse with Cannonball Carol the entire time, listening to music and altogether just having a lot more fun than anyone else.

So stay tuned, my faithful followers. I shall be updating from the west coast of the east coast. (Get it? The gulf side of Florida is the west coast, but the actual state itself is on the east coast of the continent, so it’s like i… you get it… okay…) Until then, enjoy the hundred-plus-degree weather.