Global Warming is an issue I don’t take very lightly. I take it extremely seriously. I have, therefore, been working on developing some hard-hitting plans to help our great planet get out of this catastrophe. Some of my solutions may sound silly out of context, but in reality, I think they would really work. Like for instance, since you never hear people complaining about living in Hawaii, I figured we could move a couple of the continents (or build a new one out of dirt from the Sahara desert by dumping it into the ocean near Hawaii) down to around that area. See? That shit is genius. And it solves three problems at once. Number one, it makes a normally cold place like Antarctica really warm and beautiful. Number two, it helps with over-population. Because right now no one wants to live there except people of Eskimo descent. But a lot more people could move down there into that great big space if it was right on the equator. It’s like putting plywood in your attic so you can start using it as a room. And number three, well… Actually I don’t have a third reason. But I bet you can come up with one.
But that is off-topic, and for another column entirely. Right now we’re talking about the explosive issue of global warming. Wait. Is that supposed to be capitalized? I don’t want to insult anyone. Okay. Let’s get started. First of all, we go through our bathrooms all over the world with a task team. This force of a few people will be charged with visiting everyone’s home and looking in every drawer in everyone’s bathroom for hairdryers. Any hairdryers found will be set to the “Cool” setting. Stop blowing heat into the atmosphere! Duh, people! Use your heads! Okay so we start with that.
Secondly, we visit the Nutrition industry. Food companies worldwide will be required to stop printing “Preheat oven to such and such degrees” on their boxes and packaging. Start having people put their shit in the oven right when they turn it on and stop wasting all that heat. I’m not sure this will help that much since people will still be actually using their ovens. But hey, every bit counts, right?
Number three, and I’m surprised no one has thought of this already (I guess that’s why I’m a genius though, and they’re not…) is to fix the ozone. They sell that shit in a can now days. It’s just O3, people. All we do is pass out a few cans of ozone to everyone and then we all go outside and point the cans at the sky and spray the whole can up into the air. The ozone will float up into the ozone and fix the ozone with fresh ozoney goodness. Boom. Problem solved.
Another idea I have, and this one really might not work, but tell me what you think, is to get a whole bunch of rockets all on one side of the Earth. And at just the right moment – when it’s high noon over those rockets, you blast them off right up against the ground. That will push the Earth a few hundred miles further away from the Sun. That way we can lower the mean global temperature by a few degrees. Maybe we should actually do this step first just to get a good fresh start, you know?
Another thing that’s causing global Warming is all this concrete that gets hot. So clearly we need to start shading it. What I suggest is to cover all the major highways and parking lots with umbrellas. Let’s get out our umbrella hats, our umbrella toothpicks, our parasols, our umbrella companies, anything you can think of that has to do with umbrellas ella ella ay ay ay, and start staking them up beside the roads and shit. This will help.
And now, here’s the big part. This is what I don’t want anyone to know about yet because it’s so revolutionary. No one has ever thought of this before. So don’t start blabbing to all your little friends about it, okay? We plant a million trees in the Sahara. I know. It’s a lot of work. But that way the sand won’t get so damn hot and warm up the Earth, you know? While we’re planting them we can take several large trucks full of ice cubes (or hey even some glaciers from the south pole) and melt them bitches on the sand. That will cool that shit off fast, big time. Once the trees are grown up and covering a lot of ground, we can start living there, too. We’ll call it the Sahara Forest.
And finally, the last thing I think we need to do, and this will be the final clinching thing that defeats Global warming once and for all, forever, is we all have National Leave Your Refrigerator Open Today days. Once a month, everyone in the world will leave his or her refrigerators and freezers open for one full day. This is a once-a-month thing every month until this crisis has been absolved. I know your bills will be higher. But it’s for the global good, people. Oh. Just make sure you leave your doors and windows open that day though, so the cool can get out and help the planet.
Other than that, I think this thing is whipped. What do you think? It is a big issue, like I said. But it doesn’t have to beat us. And that doesn’t mean it has to be tough to beat. We just need a few simple solutions to help us win back our lovely cool planet.