SpaceBrew Review: Mullholland Drive

Let me just say how much of a waste of time this was: it was a severe waste of time. I mean, I’ve sat through bad movies before, but this… This shit was worse than Highlander. This was the epitome of a shitty movie. It was written and directed by the same guy who did Twin Peaks, and all his stuff is the same. He tries for this abstract artsy type feel, and – well, he achieves that – but at the expense of entertainment. This movie is so abstract and ‘artsy’ that it fails to have a plot.

I’ve heard all the different takes on what actually happened in the movie, and I have my own as well. I understood it just fine. That’s not the problem, as it’s obviously not some low-brow B Movie. The problem was that even though I understood it, I found myself asking why? To what end? Who gives a shit what it means if it’s not interesting? So the whole first half of the movie was this girl’s fantasy, and the whole second half was reality. And… Well, that’s it. So now that we know that, what’s there to understand? It’s just gay.

It had plenty of girl on girl make-out scenes, if that kind of trash is your speed. Personally it doesn’t do anything for me because, let’s not forget what men have that women don’t… All the shallow-minded men think this is such a fantastic film, and I think it’s because you get to see naked tits and women kissing each other. Well I like to see naked tits too, but it doesn’t ‘make the movie’. Has Hot and Saucy Pizza Girls ever been up for Best Picture? Barb Wire? Yeah, we watch those for the acting, don’t we?

It had a lot of characters in it that had absolutely no coherence in the story. Like the little midget dude from Twin Peaks… He makes a grand appearance, but for what I have no idea. He says like one word. And it’s supposed to be this Grand Revelation when “The Cowboy” walks through the back of this room late in the movie. You saw him earlier and kind of thought he was a homosexual moron, right? But you KNOW there’s a reason he’s in there. And you know he’s important, and you know he acts the way he does for a reason. And you’re excited to see him again so you’ll understand what he’s all about… Then he walks through the back of the room later in the movie – as if that explains it all. What a let down.

Two-and-a-half hours of this expectant nonsensical bullshit that they call a movie. It was like it should have been 45 minutes long and they stretched it out until it reached two-and-a-half hours. So everything is super sllllllloooooooowwwwww. So don’t try to impress me with your intellect and your ‘class’ by saying you thought this was ‘brilliant’ or ‘an intellectual masterpiece’ because it wasn’t. It was a ridiculous child-with-a-video-camera hunk of rotten buffalo shit. I give it two thumbs down.

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