My War on Wasps

I hate wasps and hornets. They piss me off. I respect them, because – unlike ants – you have to piss them off before they sting you. But I still hate them sons of bitches. They all live up under the eave of my house thinking they own the place, and they dive bomb me when I’m trying to relax in my pool with a beer.

What I want to know, is how the hell do they know how to sting? It’s obviously inborn behavior, but it’s still a mystery to me. At what point in their lives do they become aware of the fact that that stinger on they tail is a weapon? No one teaches them that shit. They just know. And some wasps die after they sting you. So what’s the point of stinging if you know your ass is gonna die? screw that.

Hornets are the worst, because they can sting you multiple times – as many times as they like – and it doesn’t kill them. My friend’s mother got one caught in her hair and that cobblerer stung her nine or ten times before his big ass finally got free. She got sick as a dog from that shit too. Those guys are potent. Their sting is like fire. Those are the cicada killers.

I’ve been stung many times in my life, and fortunately I’m not allergic to their sting. Surprisingly enough, I am allergic to everything else, but not wasp stings. I used to get stung at least once a year. But how is it that people who are allergic never get stung? And how do they know they are allergic if they’ve never been stung? If I’m standing in a line with ten people – all who are allergic – and one comes out ready to sting someone, I know it will be me. Always has been. Just like some people are attractive to lightning, I am attractive to flying insects. Why is that? And what the hell can I do about it?

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