Suit-Happy Bitches

I’m ready for a new law: one that calls for strict punishment to those who bring frivolous and insipid lawsuits into our courts. This shit is getting ridiculous in the most absurd way. We all know this is a suit-happy nation, from the woman suing over hot coffee (don’t you want your coffee hot, and if so why the hell did you put it between your legs you stupid gash) to the woman suing the city of New York for getting attacked on 9/11 (stupid city should have seen that shit coming and built a fence with a roof around the city) to the woman who is suing Ford because her dumb ass backed over her child (she claims that they didn’t tell her about the availability of cameras and backup sensors – okay, so you didn’t know you could get one, so you should drive like they don’t exist! LOOK BEHIND YOU!). Well all – wait… I see a pattern here… They’re all women! WTF?

I won’t really go there. I just thought it’d be cute to say that. But to the point: all these women (snicker) are crowding up our courts with shitty shitty cases that should be thrown out in the skreet. I think that anyone who brings a case like this to court should be given a chance to be heard, and if you get it through and win, you’re fine. But if you lose the case… Well, that’s the gamble. Since we all know it’s frivolous, you took your chances with it. And when you lose on it, you get your ass hanged behind the courthouse. It really makes our nation look pretty lowbrow to be dealing with these horribly insignificant don’t-have-a-leg-to-stand-on cases.

And now the winner of them all: Cameron “The Jackolantern” Diaz is suing National Enquirer for printing a story about her cheating on her boyfriend (that’s right – not husband, but boyfriend) by kissing another man. As if it’s not bad enough that this is inherently preposterous because it’s a BOYFRIEND (not a husband), well (oh, and let’s not forget that it’s Justin “Backdoor Boy” Timberlake, which makes this even more shitty…) As if all that’s not bad enough, consider this: she’s suing for TEN MILLION DOLLARS. what the helling shit?

I’m just about tired of her arrogant shit already. Sit your goofy-grinning not-as-hot-as-you-think-you-are ass DOWN. And yes, the judge should take her out back and hang that bitch.

But let’s take her side for a moment. Let’s pretend this is legitimate. You kissed another man, cheating on your little boyfriend, and now he might break up with you. Like that’s not going to happen soon anyway. But let’s say that it happens a few months earlier now. What the hell does that ten million dollars have to do with anything? That’s what magazines do! They print shit that people are doing!

Let’s be realistic here. We obviously can’t hang the plaintiffs for being idiots. But we could make it so that they are gambling with shitty lawsuits. If your shitty ass frivolous lawsuit does for some reason get taken to trial, and you lose, you have to pay the amount you were suing for. So in this case Cameron “White Girl with a Mexican Last Name” Diaz would have to pay National Enquirer ten million bones. I’m cool with that. F Cameron Diaz. F her like Burt!

Here’s the link to the CNN article.


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