I know I’ve spoken about Elevator Etiquette before, but it’s time to bring it up again. People still haven’t caught on, and some of this stuff is worth repeating. There should be some formal set of rules one must follow before he intends to board an elevator. It pisses me off when people misuse the power and authority that comes with being the only one inside the car.

For instance, when I’m rushing up to catch the closing car (because in my building there are five cars that go to my floor, and if you miss one, you’ll be waiting at least three or four minutes for the next one…) and some woman sees me coming but just stands there looking down, chewing her lip and clutching her purse because she doesn’t want to reach out and push the door open button, she should lose her privileges. For the next three months, she’s forced to use nothing but escalators and stairs. Selfish bitch.

There’s also a certain amount of respect that comes with being Chief Button Operator. If you’re standing in front of the buttons, you either need to be prepared to ask me what floor and push it for me, or step the hell back. Otherwise don’t get that tacky look on your face when I reach over to press my floor button and the back of my hand grazes your boob. Twice. (Sometimes I press the wrong floor button in these cases. More than once.) Notice it’s mostly women who have elevator etiquette problems? I think men mostly have it down, though there are a few idiots who still need taught a lesson.

I’ve said before that you should start conversations with people – even strangers – in the elevators for the benefit of mankind and to overcome that tense silence that seems to prosper in a crowded car. Well there are obviously some times when it’s not appropriate. If dude is reading a folded paper and sipping hot coffee, leave the man alone. Respect his time. That may be the only time he gets to read the paper all day. Likewise, if someone is reading the ticker below the floor counter – just to catch the temperature and whatnot – leave him his peace, you old vapid bitch! I was peacefully reading the ticker, minding my own business (I had nodded, smiled and said hi to her when she boarded) and when the doors open, she walks out and says, “Do I annoy you?” You do now, C-Word.

And finally, when someone is trying to take care of a little business on the car, don’t try to rush in so you can watch. Just wait for the next car. If you see my arms disappearing into the coat of the woman directly in front of me, we’re the only two people on the elevator, she’s got a mischievous non-smile on her face, and I’m shaking my head as you’re running up, get the hint. Something’s going down. And it’s not the elevator. If you follow these simple rules of etiquette, the world will be a lot better and friendlier place. And we might all get where we’re going.