The building where I’m working this week had a ‘fall festival’ today. Everyone was supposed to dress up in costumes (aren’t we getting a little old for that shit?) and each team carved a pumpkin. Yawn. Well, I’m not really a part of this company. I’m sort of stationed in the building using their resources while away from my home office. I’m out here building servers. But anyway, one of the organizer ladies likes me, so she invited me to the what-have-you for some free pizza and soda pops. Who can resist?
Let me start by saying I’m not totally against parties and festivities based around holidays by default. I’m just kind of against the idiocy that typically arrives at such events.
Example: Each of the teams here participated in a pumpkin carving contest. So there were like ten or twelve of them shiny orange bitches sitting on the table. Since I’m not on one of the teams here I didn’t participate in that. But I was close enough to the table to see their fantastic work. And with large groups of people you can expect to see the humdrum bullshit that just makes me want to gag myself with a sword. Think about it. You have a bunch of IT geeks here making pumpkins. You can therefore obviously assume that at least one of the teams had to (had to) make the one that’s vomiting its innards out onto the table. Sigh. Yeah, we would never have expected that. How about some originality?
Then to the costumes. You have about sixty people in this office, so we should see some pretty good costumes, yeah? Well only about six people dressed up. There was one woman wearing the ole beauty pageant gettup with the banner thing that says the state she’s from… you know the thing? Yeah. It said Miss Understood. And it matched her tiara. I’m making that rolleyes face here, people. And a dude who painted his face completely white and stuck one of those rubber “looks-like-your-throat’s-cut” things on his neck. That was pretty cool. He won most original. Then there was a guy here who dressed as Batman. I’m always cool with a superhero. He personally hand-made his costume. Sewed the shit out of it. Cool, jack, it looked good. But to only wear it for like two hours? Yeah. Anyway, I’m not against that. I think he looked good and it was a cool costume. But then there are the others like “Miss Cardboard Box Around Me Makes Me Look Like A Cisco Switch Still In The Box” and the ever-original “I Came As An IT Technician Computer Geek” guy. Remember what Kimbre wrote about not telling the obvious joke? This is why, people. I’m going to write bad things about you.
Then they go around introducing all the newbs, and since I’m from another company, she singles me out. Okay, cool, so I stand up. Then she calls a few other names, “hey stand up”, followed by the ever-expected “i am standing!!!! har har!” joke that NEVER EVER gets told. Yawn. I guess it’s not so much about the holiday (and a bad holiday at that) festivities, but more about people in groups. Everyone has to be mister popular and miss funnybone, and someone always has to shout out something stupid to make everyone laugh. And it’s always the same old beaten down recycled gag-me monotonous jokes. And they ALWAYS WORK!!! Why is that?
See, me, I love to be the center of attention. You’d think I’d thrive in a setting like this. Shit no. I stay low-key. I don’t want to be recognized. I don’t want to be looked at. Not in the midst of people telling bad jokes, at least. I’ll take my attention-whore time on the stage with my Les Paul slung round my neck. Where I have a microphone and the resonance to command the crowd. I guess the majority of us don’t really get that opportunity too much though, so they have to shout shitty sayings at parties and gatherings. “Happy Birthday to You! CHA CHA CHA!” Gawd, just can it. “And many more! HA HA HA!!!” No. Just – no.
Well, I didn’t mean to ruin your halloween. I hope I didn’t. Even though it is the second most commercialized fake ass, no-reason for having it holiday just behind Valentine’s Day. And don’t get me started on that bullshit. One guy – ONE GUY came up with the idea that we need to buy shit for our significant others on a particular day, and paint it pink, so now we have to. Every year. Forget about the six-thousand dollars worth of other shit I bought her throughout the rest of the year! Now if I forget a card or a heart-shaped box on this ONE DAY, I’m in the dog house. Thanks, Bill Valentine. And Halloween’s no better! ONE GUY said we have to buy a bunch of candy and let little spooks and goblins come bang on our door all night so we can give them free shit. Thanks, Kevin Halloween! Off. I’m so out on this shit.
Dammit. I wasn’t going to get started. Anyway, the point – well not really the point, but I’m making it the point now – of this column is to wish you a happy halloween. Go eat lots of candy and barf from all the excitement. Kind of like I just did in my mouth a little bit.