I wanted to say good things about the IRS. So I did. Now we can move on to other sentences I should say. Like, “To hell with the IRS,” and “Son of a bitch I hate the damn IRS,” and “Wow, so the IRS is like legalized crime, right? What the hell.” Those are pretty typical sentiments when talking about the IRS. IRS, of course, is an acronym that stands for Invasive Rape System. And for those of you who don’t know, they take your hard-earned money from you. So not only do you get raped, they take your money while they’re doing it. Then if you protest or anything, they do what’s called an “Audit” where they bring several friends to your house, dig through all your private shit, then take turns raping you before throwing you in jail. That’s right. If you don’t let them have their way, they throw you in jail to get what? Ass-raped some more.
So tax day has come and gone another year. I know millions of you filed extensions. And you know what I say about that? I say kick ass. I pat you on the back. Because you know why? Because screw them, that’s why! I filed this year on April 1 or so, and throughout the process got more and more angry as I watched more and more dollars get tagged to be sent to them. Oh, so the ten thousand dollars I sent you already last year wasn’t enough? Right. So I found as many deductions as I could, claiming everything I could think of. Donated to charity? (You can claim up to $500 without a receipt.) Uh, oh yeah. Now that you mention it, I did send about five hundred bones their way. Who the hell wouldn’t claim something you have to show no proof for? Duh.
So I watched the amount I owed dwindle slowly away until it finally crossed the zero-line, and started counting in my favor. Of course this excited me. Anytime they are going to send me back some of the money they stole from me during the tax year, I get the giggles. Well, when all was said and done, they owe me three dollars. Ahem. So wait, remind me… why the hell am I paying ten dollars to file my taxes when I’m only getting three back? Whatever. Do you want to donate one dollar of your return to the presidential bullshit? And your wife? Yeah, so if I did that, they would be sending me one dollar. I should have done that and made them send me a check. I digress.
So yeah, I will be getting three dollars back from the Rape System, so I consider myself one of the lucky ones. But you know what I started thinking? I guess in a perfect world, you even out. You don’t owe, you don’t get any back. That means you paid the (at least what they call) exact right amount of money for your tax bracket. But no, that ain’t right because I had to claim all kinds of bullshit (extra kids, gave away several Ferraris to blind children, gave my entire paycheck to church every week) just to get it back in my favor. So what that means is that they think I didn’t pay enough! Seriously?
Well, I guess I’m through ranting about taxes and shit. At least online. Now I’ll go outside, smoke a cigarette and calm the Shit back down, talking to my buddy about how badly we got raped this year. You know I hear you can opt out of paying social security benefits entirely? Well I have a bad ass 401K, and I know I won’t get to use my social security money when I’m old anyway. So this is something I strongly need to look into. Have a good tax year, friends. And remember: they can’t spell “tax” without “ax”. I don’t even know what that means.