Some time last year, Kimbre and I inadvertantly formed the Huge Shades Alliance. Bring back beauty with offensively large shades™. Or some such. Well, her legacy lives on, and I’m on a mission to find the largest, most ridiculous – yet still stylish and somehow not gay – shades I can find. It has become a hobby of mine. Looking at and trying on the largest shades I can find in an effort to bring back the beauty.
How, you say? Well it’s really simple. The larger they are, the more space they reflect. And in those reflections you can’t see the ugly and inhumane scum we as humans have become. That’s probably kind of a lame (if not hippy) answer, but work with me. It’s all I got.
Back in January, when my Jeep almost got stolen, one of the things they did take was my glasses case. And of course, within it were my hundred-dollar DKNYs. Wow, that sounded really gay just saying it. But you remember those, right? Yeah, they looked all right. Anyway, yeah, whoever tried to steal my Jeep and failed miserably decided, “well, screw it, I’ll just take his Prilosec and his shades.” Seriously. They took my heart burn medicine.
So I had to get some new ones. I finally found some a couple of months ago that looked all right. They were Guess. And they were only like 80 bucks. But they haven’t quite done it for me. Not like my old DKNYs. Seriously, do I need to keep mentioning the brand name?
So I’ve sort of been on a mission to find some new ones ever since. And as sort of a ‘screw you, you can’t hold me down’ to whomever stole my DK- –old ones, I’ve been looking for larger, gayer, and even more ridiculous ones than before. Just to show the world that beauty and fashion will not be oppressed! The Huge Shades Alliance will live on! And prosper! Yeah. So I found some the other day in the what-have-you, and they were way out of my price range. But a friend who was there, who believes in the cause, decided to get them for me as a birthday gift. Yes, that’s them in the inset picture there. You like ’em? Yeah, they’re my rock stars.
But now that I have them, what will become of my hobby? My covetous minglings in the backs of department stores, looking for just the right shade? Will I still covet? Will I still compliment hot girls in the elevator on their ridiculous, yet sexy shades? Or has my thirst been quenched by the Oakleys? We shall see, friends. It’s a worrisome thought track for me, and I’d prefer not to consider it. I feel dirty when I think about other shades now.
But I’d like to ask you to take that step with me. Go find yourself some shades that are a little too big for your face. Join the Alliance. Help make the place a more beautiful world. Katy did it. Shine did it. You know Kimbre did it. Hell, even Callie did it. Now it’s your turn. Will you step up and fight the fight with us? Don’t worry about what we’re fighting. We’ll let you know once we’ve figured it out. But for now, take the first step. Join us in making the world a shadier place.™