In an effort to help better the world a little bit, I feel it is my duty as a writer to come up with some ideas. Some things we take for granted, or perhaps never even think about. I feel obligated to come up with some ways to help make this place a little easier to live in for our grandchildren, and our grandchildren’s grandchildren. And our grandchildren’s grandchildren’s grandchildren. So here are some of my ideas that will perhaps help us to save or cut back on our usage of some of those resources that will soon go away.
First of all, and probably most importantly, is gasoline. We’re about to run out. And it costs a shitload of money right now. For future generations, reading this post a hundred years from now, it costs an average of 3.95 per gallon right now. So I’ve come up with a method for propelling these beasts that suck up so much of our gas (and money! ha ha). See in this figure, an attachment to affix the contraption to your front bumper. Then you turn on the fan, and it blows air into the attached sail. This is the same principle of sail boating, except that we’re providing our own draft. Now, I know what you’re thinking. And to answer your question, before you ask it, no, it doesn’t have to come in those silly colors. Don’t be ridiculous.
Inline with this thought, I’ve also come up with a way to save us from having to buy brake pads for our cars every year. It involves a large plate that sticks out the bottom of your car, parallel with the ground. Protruding from this plate would be a series of steel spikes. Now the idea is that you push in the brake pedal and it lowers this plate, scraping those spikes against the ground, which stops you pretty effectively. Now I’m not posting my blueprint for this one, because it’s actually sitting in the trademark office, about to get put into production.
I’m still trying to find some clear food coloring to complete my Urine-Eight machine. This basically cools your urine to a drinkable temperature, and – once I’ve found a way to remove the color – makes it look more appealing to drink. This way we can just drink our own urine and not use up any more of the world’s very limited water supply. I’m also working on some cool delectable flavors so we can spice it up a bit. I’ve already got “Cat Piss with Orange” and “Dog Piss with Lemon” working.
My next project I want to talk about is the electricity crisis. Clearly, we’re running low on electricity. And with lightning strikes and storms at an all-time low, let’s face it – we could run out at any minute. Remember when California ran out a couple of years ago? Yeah, well you probably don’t know how they fixed it because you’re not on the “inner circle” like I am. But I’ll give you a hint. They imported a hundred thousand lightning bugs from Detroit and other small countries. That’s all I can say about that.
So how do we solve the energy crisis? Well, clearly, solar panels aren’t the answer, because the sun is not always out! And sometimes, even when it is, it’s cloudy outside. Plus, those things get real hot since they’re black, and the sun shines directly on them for long periods of time. When those things get hot, they don’t work as well. So I’m developing a new product which will save us all energy. It’s just going to take people changing their electricity usage habits a little bit. If we can get everyone to start using my special power strip, we’ll be out of this thing in no time.
Now, again, I can’t show you a picture of it, because the government has it right now, and they are eating up this idea. I’m about to be rich, y’all. I’m telling you. But what it basically is, is a power strip that has a battery compartment in it. But it only gets used for a second! You plug the strip into your wall and let it get some power flowing through it. Then you quickly (and I mean quickly) unplug it from the wall and plug it back into one of its own sockets. So it’s recycling power. That’s where the AC part comes in – you know, alternating current. For example, it gives a little to the lamp, then the lamp gives a little back. They alternate back and forth, taking turns supplying the power.
But while you’re in the midst of the actual move from the wall to a socket on the strip, the batteries kick in. Because let’s face it, no one is fast enough to capture all that electricity without some escaping. Here’s an image of what it looks like when it’s working. Now of course, lamps and stereos and big-screen TVs are plugged into the other sockets. And the batteries are on the bottom.
Now a lot of people have told me they don’t think these ideas would really work when I’ve mentioned the ideas to them. That’s okay. You just wait and watch. I know that most of you don’t really understand how electricity and gas and stuff works, but just know that I do. I’ve researched this stuff pretty well, so I’m confident that pretty soon I’ll be shaking hands with Al Gore. Then what will you say?