White Van Specials

You ever get accosted in a gas station parking lot by one of these gangs in a white van, trying to sell you speakers for cheap? I have. Probably four or five times in my life. I’m always amazed at how this person’s story is so similar to the last person’s I heard. “Oh yeah the guy at the warehouse accidentally gave us a couple of extra speakers and if I don’t sell them, then the guy I’m delivering to will take them for himself and sell them. I just need some extra cash man!” Uh huh.

I’m also always amazed at how rude and persistent these people are. And how when I tell them to go screw themselves they start cussing me out. Well let me back up – I don’t tell them to literally go screw themselves. I say, “No thanks, I have a pretty good set of Klipsch 8.1 surround sound speakers in my theater at home. They cost way more than the speakers you’re selling, and are probably better, therefore.” Then they say, “Well you suck and don’t know a good deal when you see one!” And I say, “Uh, yes I do. Which is why I’m going to have to pass on this one.” Then they get mad and start cussing me out. Then I tell them to go screw themselves.

Because seriously, how has anyone not heard of this scam? They always sell out of a white van. They always try to sell in a gas station parking lot. And they are always selling speakers. And they always have to sell them so someone else doesn’t. One time there was a girl in the van. I told her that if she showed me her titties, I’d buy her speakers. She agreed. Then I told her I had forgotten my wallet. Oops! Sorry, but hey – nice tits, girlfriend. I’ll keep you in mind next time you stop me at the Conoco with some fresh Kirsch speakers.

I’ve considered carrying around some awesome device that looks legitimate and expensive so I could try to sell it to them. Or trade for their awesome speakers. The problem is that I don’t have one square inch of free space in my Wrangler when the backseat is installed. Which it always is because I have a four-year-old. Have you seen the storage behind the back seat? I couldn’t even fit a bag of dead cats back there.

Anyway, send me comments telling me about your experiences with the white van scammers. They say you can only scam the greedy. We all want to get something great for something very little. And of course we all feel special when a shiny white van pulls up and singles us out at a gas station. Out of all the gas stations in the city, you happened to pull into this one and I’m the one who gets the chance at this great deal! WOW! Sign me up! Meh. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that since this is the fourth time (I think) I now have four sets of good Hardin Carmon speakers now. Anyone need some speakers?


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7 Responses

  1. steppy says:

    Greatness. Honestly, I have never been approached by the white van gang. I can’t believe that they really do this. The nerve of people. Well, I guess that it takes all kinds and they need jobs too. :)

  2. UH? Where is that Conoco station? I been needin’ some good speakers.

  3. Becky Riles says:

    You have a theater in your home? I need to come over there to watch my movies from now on! :P

  4. JD says:

    Hmm I’ve never been approached. I guess I’m not missing out on much thouhg.

  5. Moonshine says:

    Yeah, ever since I saw Silence of the Lambs, I tend to steer clear of strange men in vans.

  6. Siege says:

    “I don’t need any speakers”

    “No, you don’t understand what a great deal these are”

    “We are in a recession, I don’t buy things that I don’t need”

    At that point, you are past the offender if you are walking, if you stopped, its your own fault; Toss your rabid koala at the van and get away.

  7. SahSah says:

    never been approached by the white van gang – did get a couple of really creepy guys ask me out at gas stations – creepy like tank tops tucked in with belts, way too much underarm hair and a few teeth missing… uh no thanks??

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