Over the last couple of years, Captain and I have analyzed and cataloged the inventories of over seventeen thousand couches. We took our science team, which consists of our Department of Couch Research, our Department of Breast Analysis and Appreciation, and our entire Ministry of Sexual Relations. Don’t ask why we needed those departments. But you can see how couches have to do with sex, at least in some respects.
Anyway, what we endeavored to do was to find out what people had lost in their couches. And there were plenty of treasures to be found. People with children usually had a few Legos and some small plastic pieces of play fence. People with cats found a lot of cat hair and an occasional chunk or two of litter, sometimes a play ball (you know the ones with the little bells in the middle of them?). But the most popular items we found in people’s couches were French Fries and pennies. Ninety-six percent of the couches we cataloged had at least one of each beneath their cushions.
So what does this mean to you? Well, probably nothing, really. But I urge you to go check your couches and see what you have hiding beneath the cushions. You could find a piece of old pizza crust, a GI Joe rifle, a No 2 pencil, a grocery list from 2002, or a mascara brush. But it’s almost guaranteed you’ll find at least one French Fry, and one penny. Go check. Now.
So what treasures did you find? Bonus points if it was a cheese fry, or a wheat penny. You know what’s weird though? Scarcely do I remember ever eating French Fries on my couch. And since I throw pennies away in the parking lots of stores from which I’ve received them, I never have a pocket full of pennies. I rarely have a pocket full of change at all. Now Stout, on the other hand, generally has somewhere around $14.61 worth of change in his pocket at any given time. But I almost never have change. And certainly no pennies. So how did these pennies end up in my sofa?
Well, clearly your first thought is that someone else dropped them there. Yeah, that’s plausible. But why is it always the penny? How come I never find any quarters, or Susan B Anthony dollars in there? No dollar bills?
We keep hearing rumors that pennies will be discontinued soon, because no one really uses them anymore. When will this happen? I, for one, am excited by this prospect because I hate the penny so much. It’s nothing against Abe Lincoln. I just don’t like pennies, ’cause they ain’t worth a dime. They’re worthless to me. So let’s get this show on the road! Let’s eradicate the penny and move on with our cents-less lives! Even shiny ones don’t really do anything for me.
Yeah, I know. This column ended up being about coins mostly. Light news day here at the Brew. But bear with us. Tomorrow’s column will be grand. A co-authored project that will get you scratching your head in wonder!