Does anyone read the yellow pages? Okay, that’s not what I mean. I know no one reads it! Haha! That would be a boring ass read, amirite? Yeah. Seriously. But yeah, no, see, yeah what I meant to say was, does anyone use the yellow pages? Yeah, see that’s what I thought.
I used to use them all the time. I’d pop one in Callie’s seat so she could reach the table. But I haven’t actually opened the yellow pages since – well, shit, I don’t think I ever have. Why would I? I have an iPhone. I have google 411. I have the Internets. That’s all free. And faster. And last I checked, no trees had to die to support the internet. So please, Southwestern Bell, save the paper. Save the trees. And stop sending me the stupid yellow pages.
See it’s more than just a waste of precious tree bark to me when they drop one of these on my porch. See I get one from the city every year, and about twice a year, I get one from whoever publishes the big ass thick ass yellow pages. See, I hate phone books. See, I’ve been starting a lot of sentences with the word ‘see’. But like I was saying, it’s more than just a waste of good tree bark. Did you know it takes an average of six trees just to make one copy of the yellow pages? True story.
But when they drop those stupid useless wastes of garbage on my porch, I have to go out there and bend over and pick it up. So it has become my problem. I don’t get to opt out of receiving it, you see. So they pawn off their shitty tree-wasting trash on me and now I have to deal with it. Well what do I do with it? If I throw it in the trash can, it will rip the trash bag because it’s so heavy. (Six trees weigh a lot.) If I throw it in the recycle bin, well, I don’t know what I was going to say about that except that I don’t want to have to deal with it. I want to say, thanks but no thanks, I don’t need your damn yellow pages.
Because see, here’s the other thing. It’s kind of a gamble on their part about which pages I would use (if I were to ever use it at all, which I don’t – and never have). Because surely everyone who uses one doesn’t actually use every page. Maybe they use the book twice a year? Maybe three times? Five? Not often. But they use three or five pages. Out of like forty thousand. So they’ve wasted all those trees just for like five phone numbers. Really, was it worth it? Hell no. I just hate the entire idea of it all together! I mean, I can find no redeeming quality in a phone book at all!
None at all! I get really mad about this because I think about how much waste it makes, and really – check this out – I really don’t give a shit about the environment. I mean, sure, I like trees, but I don’t think my opting out of the phone book is going to help. I mean, it takes a lot more more than me. It just pisses me off that they assume I want one without asking me. Arrogant bastards. But check this out, you can opt out! During my research for this column (which was done while I was writing that last paragraph), I learned how many trees are used in a phone book, how much they weigh and how much crude oil it takes to write in them. Click here to check it out, and opt the hell out!
So in this day and age of the internet, which seems to be catching on pretty well, by the way, I can hop on and look up “Dan’s Tire, Lube & Donut Shop, Dallas TX” and it will not only give me directions, website and phone number for the place, but – well, that’s pretty much all you’d ever need. But it’s a lot faster than looking through a gay book. And furthermore, what?
So let’s all go opt out and run these guys out of business. Because now phonebooks are absolutely redundant, and not very useful. Think about how many times you actually looked up a phone number in it in the last year. If it’s less than, say five, then recycle it, opt out and save a few trees. And maybe even some dignity.