As I was driving back from the clinic today, I came across a few things that made me frown a little, tilt my head to the side, wrinkle my nose, and quite possibly quote the phrase that started the now world-famous acronym you all know as WTF. You see, I have to go to the clinic an average of two to three times a week. That’s how bad my genital centipedes have gotten. Oh wait. No, no, you see, I work for a company that has 22 clinics. Phew. Thank God it’s that. So maybe I don’t have genital centipedes after all.
Anyway, as I was driving I saw a couple of things that I thought I should let you guys know about, and see if you have the same reactions I do. Since I’m what some call an ‘intellectual’, and I’m terribly smart, I catch some things most people don’t. For instance, you know those concrete barriers they line up beside highways? They’re about 20 feet long and weigh like 40 tons. Yeah. Well, I thought about something, guys. Before they rebar those things together on the side of the highway, they just leave them all stacked in grids over on the grass, usually near the starting section of where they’re going to install them. I mean, no fence, no guard dog, no security cameras… Dude, we could totally just walk away with a couple of those. And who couldn’t use a twenty-foot concrete barrier to toss in his driveway? See? Told you I was smart, guys.
It’s ridiculous. They leave like fifty or sixty of them bitches all in a pile beside the highway. I could actually steal them all and sell them on eBay. Well, Craig’s List, rather, as I wouldn’t want to pay for shipping. But seriously, how have they not thought about the possible theft of these things? I wonder how many have been stolen, and how many more it will take before they start locking them down.
Well, these construction guys on the highways aren’t the smartest guys you’ve ever seen. And they have terrible grammar. I saw one of those orange signs the other day that said, “Give Us A Brake”. Yeah. Seriously. They misspelled ‘break’! Morons! Dudes, if you want a break, go ask your damn boss for one! You ain’t gotta build a special sign for it. And if you just go ask him, you don’t even have to spell it and take a chance on misspelling it and looking like an idiot. Dumb asses.
You know, that’s not the only dumb sign they have either. You’ve all seen these: the ones that say “End Construction!” Well it may or may not have the exclamation point on it. But dude, really? Why would you picket against the very job that’s keeping you fed? If you don’t want to work, just quit! Or if you don’t believe in the cause for which they’re actually initiating construction on that part of the highway for whatever reason, just protest to your boss. “Boss dude, I really don’t believe we should be widening those lanes out there on that section of LBJ. It goes against everything I have ever believed in.” And I guarantee you’ll get put on a different project. They may even give you a BRAKE! LOL
I’ve also seen that same sign that says END ROAD WORK. Sigh. These people are just morons. That’s like me printing out a sign and hanging it on my office wall that says “End Help Desk Tickets!” See how far that gets me.
So as you can see, we’re a lot smarter than those highway construction guys. They leave shit out to be stolen, they misspell signs and they make signs that try to get them put out of a job. Now I know that most of them are probably pretty nice guys, and they’d probably be great to hang out with. But next thing you know, with all this protesting going on, they might be pulling the PETA Pig protest, and we’ll end up with a bunch of nude construction workers lying on their bulldozers with their wieners hanging out. And nobody wants that. Well… I mean, unless they have nice boobs.
Oh, I guess that cute pregnant girl with her boobs hanging out there is on some team called the Vegetarians. I guess I can get on board and support that. I don’t know what they play, but I got their backs. GO VEGETARIANS!