Bacon Talk: Marriage

Happy Friday, SpaceBrewers! For this special day, we thought we’d do a special co-authored column for you with your favorite two writers. And we’d like to dive into a subject that’s seldom touched upon here: marriage. Yes, we’re going there. See, Haycomet and I are married. Well, not to each other. But we are both married to other people. The point is that we both know what it’s like to be married. We’ve both been married a long time, and we both have the same core values and outlooks on the big M word. So what’s it like to be asked the same questions?
So that’s what we’ll get into here. We believe that ‘on the rocks’ is a good thing, as it refers to a special way of drinking bourbon. So keeping your marriage on the rocks is always desirable: it represents success and prosperity. If someone were to approach a man and a woman and ask them both the same questions about marriage, how different would their answers be? If the most important thing in a married man’s life is sitting on the couch drinking beer, what then, would be most important to the woman? Well, obviously it should be cooking and cleaning, but we’re going to find out!

So, Hayley, tell us to start. What is the most important thing about being married? Or say the most important thing you should do to ensure you’re doing your part.

No Shoes! I have to remember that I’m supposed to be barefoot and in the kitchen at all times. The rule used to be barefoot and pregnant, but my husband doesn’t want to have more children, so the rule has been cropped.
Nah, not really. I wear shoes. It is important to remember though, that neither spouse is any better than the other. Marriage is not the time to have a pissing contest. Though I’ve never understood the whole pissing contest thing. I mean, are we going for time, distance, how much area can be peed upon? Oh, is this where you pee your name into the snow? I’ve always said that I can pee my name into the snow just as well as any man… I just have to run around really fast.
Back to the point though, my husband, for example, should not feel that he is beyond doing dishes or scrubbing the toilets, because I sure as hell don’t think that I’m beyond washing his smelly socks or scrubbing his beard stubble out of the sink.
To make sure I’m doing my part, I make sure that I do most of the things that I ask him to do from time to time, where it is physically possible.

“Neither spouse is better than the other.” Chicks say the cutest things, don’t they? So yeah, like you said, it’s a two-way street. Women and men both have to contribute equal amounts for it to be fair, balanced and (what is this, Fox News?) for it to have a chance at lasting. Fifty percent from each person. What do you think of this nonsense?

That’s bullsh, Space! Both need to give one hundred percent. I know that sounds cheesy, but it goes back to my first answer. No one is better than the other in a marriage. Sure, there will be times when the husband or wife is “off his/her game” maybe because of stress or illness, but that only means the other member has to put in 120% for a little while.

See, I’m of the opinion that if both parties only give fifty percent, there’s a lot wasted. The woman, clearly, should give more like seventy-five, while the man gives like twenty-five. Now I’m not sexist. I just know that the man’s 25% is usually full of hard work, labor, fixing shit and making sure the house stays protected. So clearly, ten percent of a man’s work equals somewhere around forty percent of the woman’s. What say you about this?

Wow Space, how have you not been killed by your wife yet? I could agree with that if by ‘hard work’, you mean doing something the wife has been asking him to do for 8 months, and this usually requires a case or two of beer, a trip to the emergency room, and extra runs to the hardware store because he, being the smart manly-man he is, didn’t bother to read the directions. The results achieved by all of that are nothing but half-assed and I’m sure at one point the guy actually thought he deserved to ask for pity-sex, because he hit his wittle thumb with the hammer whilst doing something his wife initiated… then sure that’s a whole heck of a lot of hard work!

Hmm. Okay, let’s take this in another direction. Do you think the man should always be the one to propose marriage to the woman? Because this is supposedly the “new age” where women are asking men for marriage a lot of the time, and even going so far as to call the man occasionally, where back in the olden days, women had to wait for the call from a man.

I’m not a feminist, so I’m not going to say yes to this. Space is there really a man out there that would be okay with a woman asking for his hand in marriage? Personally I would think it would make the man look bad. I’m not old fashioned; I just think it’s weird, somewhat stupid, and pushy for a woman to propose.
Now ask me if I think the man should drop two to three paychecks on an engagement ring. Oh heck no! And men, if your woman is requiring this… RUN!

No doubt. My wife’s wedding ring was even a little more than I wanted to pay. See, I lost a quarter in one of the machines, so I went to another. So actually, I paid double what I had originally intended to pay. Stupid gumball machines.
How do you solve conflicts? I’m of the old school way where if the woman and man disagree, they separate, the woman locks herself in the bathroom for a few hours or goes to a friend’s house to think things over, and the man goes out and has some beers with his buddies until he can come home to a wife who is ready to apologize, accept that she was wrong, and promise him that she’s going to work harder in the future.

I agree with that way, except for the latter portion about the woman admitting to being wrong (I’m not saying a woman can’t be wrong, because pfffft, as a chick, I know better than that), because at least half the time, Space, the man is wrong!

You’re so cute, Haycomet. “Half the time the man is wrong!” LOL Isn’t she funny, guys?
They say a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Well, I don’t subscribe to that bullshit. If a woman stays in the kitchen, how the hell is she going to do laundry? Where, in your eyes, is the woman’s place?

A woman’s place is wherever she needs to be in order to save her husband’s ass.

And where is the man’s place?

Wherever he needs to be in order to take care of the manly stuff: mowing the lawn, fixing the car, opening pickle jars, et cetera.

See, I knew we’d mostly see eye-to-eye on all of this, since you are a woman who thinks more like a man, and knows that men are mostly right anyway. Do you believe in make-up sex?

First of all, I’m a chick, not a woman… remember? To answer your question though, I think the possibility of make-up sex is the only reason why a husband might even come close to admitting he could be wrong. I’m not too keen on it, because usually after fighting and exchanging rather harsh words, I’m not in the mood.

So you’ve made it past the ole “seven-year itch”. See, I’ve always been of the opinion that if you have an itch that lasts that long, you need to get it checked the hell out. Do you have any secrets, being married for eleven years now, that you can share with the rest of the women out there about making it last? Namely, what you do when you screw something up and have to make it right for your bad-ass husband, Byronic?

That’s assuming that I screw something up, because we both know what happens when you assume, Space. You make a man out of you and me. Oh, wait…oh never mind…same difference. Ladies, you need to fart, and you need to let your husband do so without bitching at him. This will cut back on stress and tension.

Good advice, Haycomet. Well, as you can see, friends, we see almost completely eye-to-eye on all these questions. So I think this endeavor was validated and justified. Thank you, Hay, for taking the time to sit down with me and discuss this ever-elusive idea we call marriage. Byronic is a lucky man to have such a bad-ass wife.

Stay tuned, dear readers, as next we we dive into sex, religion and rock ‘n’ roll.

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3 Responses

  1. Becky Riles says:

    LOL I am laughing so hard right now! If I didn’t know any better, Space I would be hating you right now though!!! :D

  2. somebody set up us says:

    women should never be allowed to fart. there’s just some things you don’t ever do.

  3. Phil Mabe says:

    I’m going to let my wife read this post. I think she’ll have fun with it. Ha!

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