The Dumbest Animals at the Zoo

The Fort Worth zoo is a very big place. It’s full of animals. If your goal is to see every exhibit, you really have to haul ass. If you monkey around at the aquarium, you won’t have time for the elephants. I mean, it’s a zoo out there. But really, I think the dumbest animals in the park are – well, you guessed it: humans.

There should be certain rulesets to which we all adhere when in a public place. For instance, when there’s a path that everyone is to follow, and one direction has, say five feet, then you don’t stretch your party across the entire five-foot path. There are other people who are interested in seeing exhibits, and might possibly be traveling faster than you and your party of hambeasts. Sorry, women, the beached whale exhibit is back by the entrance.

Another is the general rule that states you should follow the rules of whatever establishment you’re visiting. If the park rules are no smoking in the zoo, then – well, you shouldn’t freakin’ smoke. Nothing pisses me off worse than to be standing there trying to enjoy an exhibit with my daughters – one of them who isn’t even two years old yet – and someone is smoking. Look, you old hag, there are signs everywhere that say “NO SMOKING IN ZOO”. So what makes you think you’re so special that you’re above the rules? If you seriously can’t go a few hours without a smoke then you should probably just go let yourself into the bear cage and have them end it for you. I made it more than obvious that she, and her smoke, were offensive. Waving hands and coughing and saying, “Oh, you can smoke here?” real loudly made the point – all while staring her straight in the eyes. God, I hate people.

Most of these rules are just common sense, and basic courtesies. Like not stopping in the entrance to a store to bend over and tie your shoes. Really? You know how busy the zoo is on a Sunday? Go sit on a rock and do that stuff, out of the way of traffic.

Raptor Canyon is the bird exhibit. No, you stupid gash, there is no bird called a raptor. It’s a generic term for birds of prey. “I WANNA SEE THE RAPTOR! WHERE IS THE RAPTOR, STEVE?” That’s just like going into a store and looking through all the G.I. Joe figures, trying to find Joe himself. Serious rolleyes. Not to mention that – dude, really – if there were an actual figure whose name was Joe, why would he be more important than Storm Shadow? And Destro? And Quick Kick? Really? Why do you just have to have Joe? Sigh.

Yes, we know the penguin exhibit doesn’t smell like Haycomet’s kitchen. It’s not full of spicy pumpkin and warm apple pie scents. It smells like penguin shit. Walking in and holding your nose and saying, “OH MY GOD! IT STINKS SO BAD!” is tiring. We know the gorilla cages smell pretty bad too. We can all smell it. They’re animals, people. And hearing you call the orangutans, gorillas, baboons, gibbons and chimpanzees all ‘monkeys’ gets pretty old too. “LOOK AT THE MONKEY, MADYSYN!” Sigh. Yeah, maybe some of us did actually evolve from apes.

And every year some fat woman falls over the wall into the zebra exhibit. Don’t you think at some point people would learn some common sense? Really, there are railings there not so much to keep you from falling over, but rather to show you the boundary. You should still exercise caution when you’re peering over it. If they build it up any higher – which you are sure to always complain about – then you would not be able to see over it. And it’s always the fat woman who just can’t control herself and has to fall over the edge and flop into the water below. Then of course, she starts screaming bloody murder, threatening to sue, and screaming in fear because she’s going to get eaten by the vicious zebras. If the zebras were to attack, I would love to see video of that.

So we had a good day at the zoo yesterday, in spite of all the people trying to ruin it for us. It never fails though, every time I’m out in public where crowds gather and people are out in droves, I am reminded how stupid people are, and how much I hate humanity. People are getting more and more stupid every year. We are seriously on our way to an Idiocracy-like planet. And soon after, we shall be going to visit the human exhibits at the zoo.

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4 Responses

  1. Seriously Dude no cowboy column? I mean you talk about a zoo. After the coaches told our players all week that Tennessee couldn’t pass the football Tennessee came out and passed the ball, and passed the ball, and passed the ball. Jeez louise yo’d think after the first two touchdowns they’d have warnned them hey watch out for the pass. Oh well anyway our Rangers will win, no wait they friggin lost too. I mean they were selling how to turn a sweep into a five game marathon. I’m not even gonna watch game five.

  2. Space says:

    Yeah I got rid of football talk because it didn’t seem to go anywhere. And I’m tired of writing about a losing team. Every single possession the Cowboys had yesterday they screwed something up. So yeah, I was quite a bit upset about it too.

  3. Siege says:

    The cliff notes of this column is that the Cowboys should be in the zoo, I see through your tricks.

  4. Haycomet says:

    I’m so glad that my kitchen is known for smelling nommy. It’s not candles, people, that smell is the real deal. Oh, I think you found a scent that wasn’t covered by the Demeter cologne company (the one that makes “Funeral Home” scent)… “Penquin Poo”. I wonder how many bottles of that they would sell.

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