Shit or Get Off

Did you know there’s a certain code you’re supposed to follow when shitting in a public restroom? I had no idea. For instance, if someone walks in while you’re taking a dump, you’re supposed to tap your foot to let them know the bathroom is in use. Forget that there’s another whole empty stall right next to you. This foot-tap is called the Fred Astaire.

Furthermore, if you are that unfortunate soul who has just walked unsuspectingly into an occupied restroom, you are supposed to turn around and leave as soon as you learn the stall is occupied. Otherwise you are a “Turd Burglar”. Rock on, turd burglars of America. I say screw ’em! If you can’t shit with someone else in the room you have a special kind of problem that needs some attention.

You should be so lucky. We didn’t even have doors on our stalls in the military. And there were two stalls, and the line of people needing to shit lined up down the hallway, staring at you while you did your business. Now that’s understandably difficult. I don’t feel a bit sorry for you if you have a stall wall wrapped around you. What’s wrong with you people?

The only time I’m concerned with a little privacy in the stall is when I’m trying to rub one out. In those cases I hang loose for a minute until the bathroom is empty – simply because I don’t want them to hear me rubbing. And God forbid I’m in the middle of a delivery process. I’m now standing up and facing the toilet, dropping off the kids, and the door opens? Yeah, that’s pretty much a heart stopper. You people who can’t shit though need some therapy.


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